Dare 11

Dare 11: Love cherishes. Marriage is a beautiful mystery created by God, joining two lives together as one. This not only happens physically but spiritually and emotionally. When your spouse goes through a tragedy, both of you feel it. When you find success at your job, both of you rejoice. But somewhere along the way, you experience disappointment, and the sobering reality that you married an imperfect person sets in. This, however, does not change the fact that your husband is still a part of you. You must treat him with the same nurture and care that you treat yourself. When you show love to your husband, you are showing love to yourself.

When you mistreat your husband, you are also mistreating yourself. Your lives are interwoven together. Your husband cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you. So when you attack your husband, it is like attacking your own body.

Your husband needs to be loved and cherished. If he has issues causing pain and frustration, then you should care for these with the same love and tenderness you would a bodily injury. If he is wounded in some way, you should think of yourself as an instrument that helps bring healing to his life.

Don't let the culture around you determine the worth of your marriage. To compare it with something that can be discarded or replaced is to dishonor God's purpose for it. When you look at your husband, you're looking at a part of you. So treat him well. Speak highly of him. Nourish and cherish the love of your life.

The Dare: What need does your husband have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there a chore you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you." And do it with a smile.

A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery..." Ephesians 5:31.

Dare 10

Dare 10: Love is unconditional. If someone were to ask you, "Why do you love your husband?"--what would you say? Women would probably say something about their husband's good looks or personality. They'd commend him for his steadiness and consistent character. They'd say they love him because he's always there for them. He's generous. He's helpful.

But what if over the course of years, your husband stopping being every one of those things. Would you still love him? The only logical response would be no. If your reasons for loving your husband all have something to do with his qualities--and then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear--your basis for love is over.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love. This is God's kind of love. He doesn't love us because we are lovable but because He is so loving. If He insisted that we prove ourselves worthy of His love, we would fail miserably. But God's love is a choice. Unconditional love will not be swayed by time or circumstance.

The Dare: Do something out of the ordinary today for your husband--something that proves that your love is based on choice and nothing else. Do a chore for him or make his favorite dessert. Demonstrate love to him for the sheer joy of being his partner in marriage.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Corinthians 13:7.

Envious of Fred?

The Dares have given me lots to think about. I admit I have been envious of Fred at times--his charisma with people mostly. I think back on cooking for the Alpha course at church. We worked in the kitchen with some difficult people. I would usually just keep to myself and ignore them. Not Fred. He made the effort to talk and joke with them, listen to their tales. He accepted their quirks and helped them with their tasks. They, in turn, loved him. He was greeted with enthusiasm each week when we arrived. Me, they ignored.

People always like Fred more than me. When he was a chiropractor, his patients adored him. He had the busiest practice in town. They mourned his retirement. But really, Fred and I are not competitors. I am thankful he's the way he is and I'm glad he's my husband!

As for greetings, Fred and I excel at this. We have long established habits of good-byes in the morning and hellos when one of us returns home. I walk downstairs with him to send him off, and I'm available to go back and retrieve items he's forgotten to bring along. I wave at the window as he pulls out of the driveway. Corny and silly? Maybe. But it sets a good tone for the day.

During the day Fred continually calls me every chance he gets. When he's leaving one point to drive to another. When he's coming home. He asks if I need anything on the way. We always say good-bye with an "I love you." When he gets home, I make the effort to give a cheerful hello and a hug or kiss.

No matter what has transpired in our relationship during the day, we are civil to each other before the lights go out. If an apology is due, we give it. It doesn't mean every issue is resolved, maybe it's only a temporary cease-fire. But after a night's sleep, we will see things differently in the morning.

In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26.

Dare 9

Dare 9: Love makes good impressions. You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship from the way they greet one another. You can see it in their expression and countenance, as well as how they speak to each other. It is even more obvious by their physical contact. But how much importance should you give a greeting?

Jesus noted in his Sermon on the Mount that even pagans speak kindly to people they like. That's easy for anyone to do. But he took it a step further and said that being godly included being humble and gracious enough to address even your enemies with kindness. This raises an interesting question. How do you greet your friends, coworkers, and neighbors? How about acquaintances and those you meet in public? You may even encounter someone you don't necessarily like yet still acknowledge them out of courtesy. So if you're this nice and polite to other people, doesn't your husband deserve the same? Times ten?

It's probably something you don't think about very often--the first thing you say to him when you wake up in the morning, the look on your face when you get in the car, the energy in your voice when you speak on the telephone. But here's something else you probably don't stop to consider--the difference it would make in your husband's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see him.

The Dare: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your husband today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for him.

Greet one another with a kiss of love. I Peter 5:14.

Jealousy

My girls are having trouble with the dares because they fight all the time. It's very difficult for them to go a whole day and not say anything negative to each other. "You're a baby!" That statement alone can provoke tears and desire for retaliation.

Sibling rivalry at its core is pure jealousy. A first child is doted upon and has her parents' undivided attention. They only have eyes for her! Every word she speaks is profound and mom and dad praise her continually. Then sister #2 comes along. Parents tell the first child, "We love you so much we wanted to share that love with another child!" Huh?? What if your husband said the same to you? "I love you so much I want to bring another woman home so we can share the love around."

From the beginning I knew there would be trouble with my two girls. We received the long awaited picture of our new second daughter from China. Oh, the excitement! We made calls to everyone we knew. We scanned the photo and sent it out across the country via e-mail. We stared at the tiny image, admiring the adorable, plump baby who would soon be ours. Oh, the joy!

Three-year-old Arielle watched all this, momentarily out of the spotlight. "Your new sister!" we exclaimed. Who needs a sister? her expression told us. Then later, that object of our adoration disappeared! The picture was missing! The only tangible evidence of our new daughter was gone. We tore the house apart thinking we had misplaced it, knowing we would not have done that. We couldn't find it anywhere. Arielle! We kindly asked her if she "put it away" for us. Then, "Did you take it?" we demanded. No matter how much we cajoled her she did not respond. How could a little child fool us like this? Where could she have hidden the picture so that we could not find it?

Several days later the picture appeared. We never did know where Arielle had hidden it. But we know she did. Later on she would hide Liana's toys, toys maybe Arielle thought Liana didn't deserve, or maybe a toy Arielle herself wanted.

So going back to the discussion of legitimate vs. illegitimate jealousy, you would have to say Arielle's jealousy was legitimate. She thought the two people who loved her the most, who belonged to her, had turned their love to someone else. Her very own parents wanted another child. You can understand how she felt. Usually second (or third or fourth) children will not feel this extreme jealousy because they were never their parents' sole focus.

So how do we resolve this? When does a legitimate jealousy evolve into selfishness and quarreling? When is it time to "flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace? And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead he must be kind to everyone...not resentful." (II Timothy 2:23-24) We spend the rest of our lives assuring our children we love them equally but maybe because of personality or life experiences, some kids never lose jealous feelings. They need to. It will affect their future relationships with others.

We have the 4-H Fashion Revue coming up in a couple of weeks. For the first time, Liana, as well as Arielle, will model and be judged on an outfit they sewed. Ribbons are awarded and winners go on to compete in the regional show. They are not competing against each other, as they are in different age groups. But still, I anticipate hurt feelings.

I asked Arielle, "How will you feel if Liana wins and you don't?" She said, "I won't care. I won two years in a row."

I asked Liana, "How will you feel if Arielle wins and you don't?" She said, "I won't care. I just had fun making my outfit."

Life will be easier if no one wins. But if one of them does, will the other be mature enough, and does she love the other enough, to offer sincere congratulations to her sister? We'll see.

What were your experiences growing up with siblings? How do you handle sibling rivalry with your kids?

The power of words

To be honest, I didn't like the dare when we were supposed to make a list of our husband's negative traits. I think when you put thoughts into words, it gives them power. I even told this to my table group at church. They said, don't worry, you tear it up the next day. Even so, I didn't like this. It caused me to focus on the negative. And the negative was something that can't be changed anyway, so what was the point?

Scripture is clear about thoughts turning to words turning to actions. "Take every thought captive..." because that's where trouble starts. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." Next, you act on your words. Now think about that sequence in a positive light--you dwell on your husband's good qualities, you tell him how you feel, how proud you are of him, how glad you are that he is the man he is. You praise him for the good things he does. Then you naturally will want to do nice things for him to show your appreciation. This can only make your marriage better.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8.

Dare 8

Dare 8: Love is not jealous. Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man. There are actually two forms: a legitimate jealousy based upon love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy. Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his or her heart away and replaces you with someone else.

Illegitimate jealousy is in opposition to love--it is rooted in selfishness. This is to be jealous of someone, to be moved with envy. It is sparked when someone else upstages you and gets something you want. This can be very painful, depending upon how selfish you are. Instead of congratulating them, you fume in anger. If you're not careful, jealousy slithers like a viper into your heart and strikes your motivations and relationships. It can poison you from living the life of love God intended.

When you get married, you were given the role of becoming your spouse's biggest cheerleader. But if selfishness rules, any good thing happening to only one of you can be a catalyst for envy rather than congratulations.

It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart. It's time to let your husband's successes draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

The Dare: Determine to become your husband's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your husband and focus on his achievements, take your list of negative attributes and tear it in tiny pieces. Then share with your husband how glad you are about a success he recently enjoyed.

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice...What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. James 3:16, 4:1,2.

America's tower of Babel

“Having absorbed the world’s values, Christianity in our society is now dying. Subtly but surely worldliness and self-indulgence are eating away the heart of the church. The gospel we proclaim is so convoluted that it offers believing in Christ as nothing more than a means to contentment and prosperity. The offense of the cross has been systematically removed so that the message might be made more acceptable to unbelievers. The church somehow got the idea it could declare peace with the enemies of God.”- John MacArthur

I found this picture and quote on our pastor's blog. The message on Sunday was from Genesis 11, not a favorite passage for most people. "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves..." Gen. 11:4. He summed up what the tower meant--human pride, over-reaching, and self-deification.

We should never make a truce with the enemies of God: worldliness, self-indulgence, love of possessions and money, and a quest for a life of ease and comfort. Jesus said, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" Matthew 16:26.

Margins

What's not to love about this guy here? Fred brought in the fruits (vegetables) of his labor from our beautiful garden. These are the best radishes ever! Tender and crisp, not woody, not too hot.

This was a crazy week and my mind was not much on the Love Dares. I am re-focusing. Oh, how I need to add margins to my schedule! I overreact and get angry when I'm rushed or pressured with too much to do. It's good to figure out when and why we get angry. I procrastinate. Then, of course, I'm in a hurry to complete some task or I worry I will be late to the place I need to be. I also overreact when I think I "deserve" something that I didn't get. Usually that means time to myself.

On Memorial Day, with little planning beforehand, we decided to take the train into the city. My son and his fiancee were here for the weekend and the weather was too nice to stay inside all day. It was a fun, relaxing day. We were far enough away not to be on call for anyone, andwe took the train to eliminate the stress of traffic. The day became a field trip for the girls as we visited historical sites and then met up with good friends who live in the city. We all had lunch in Chinatown. Dim sum in a big, busy restaurant filled with mostly locals provided a lot of laughs as we sometimes didn't know exactly what we were eating. I'm a little rusty with the chopsticks when it comes to Chinese broccoli. Try grabbing those slippery greens, holding them with the chopsticks, and biting off a piece before it all falls back down on your plate.

Everyone wanted bubble tea and if you don't know what that is, you've got to try it! Kind of like a smoothie with black tapioca balls in the bottom of your glass. We walked and walked until we were that good kind of tired, a welcome fatigue. Tired of body but not of mind. We rode home in peace and mostly silence, everyone thinking back over the conversations and sights of the city.

I think there is good reason God gave us a Sabbath day. He knew we needed margin in our life. He knew we couldn't just keep going on and on without rest. Why don't we have days like this more often?

Dare 7

Dare 7: Love believes the best. In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room. It's where your thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse. And every so often, you enjoy visiting this special place. On the walls are written kind words and phrases describing the good attributes of your husband.

Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately, you visit there as well. On its walls are written the things that bother and irritate you about your spouse. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations. This room is lined with the weaknesses and failures of your husband...It's where ammunition is kept for the next big fight and bitterness is allowed to spread like a disease. People fall out of love here.

You may say, "But these things are true!" Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room. Everyone fails and has areas that need growth. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage. This is a sad aspect of being human.

Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknown with negative assumptions...You must develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your husband...It is a decision that you make, whether they deserve it or not.

The Dare: Get two sheets of paper. On the first, write out positive things about your husband. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. Pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your husband today for having this characteristic.

Love believes all things, hopes all things. I Corinthians 13:7

Dare 6

Dare 6: Love is not irritable. Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. How easily do you get irritated and offended? When something goes wrong, some people quickly take full advantage of it by expressing how hurt or frustrated they are. But this is the opposite reaction to love. A loving husband will remain calm and patient, showing mercy and restraining his temper. A loving wife is not overly sensitive or cranky but exercises emotional self-control.

Why do people become irritable? There are at least two key reasons that contribute to it:

1. Stress. Stress weighs you down, drains your energy, weakens your health, and invites you to be cranky. It can be brought on by relational causes--arguing, division, and bitterness. There are excessive causes--overworking, overplaying, and overspending. And there are deficiencies--not getting enough rest, nutrition, or exercise. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. This means you must balance, prioritize, and pace yourself...You need time to recharge, refocus, and add breathing room or margin to your weekly schedule.

2. Selfishness. When you're irritable, the heart of the problem is primarily a problem of the heart... Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present. Selfishness also wears many other masks. Lust is the result of being ungrateful for what you have and choosing to covet or burn with passion for something that is forbidden. Or, bitterness takes root when you respond in a judgmental way and refuse to work out your anger. A bitter person's unresolved anger leaks out when she is provoked. Or, greed for more money and possessions will frustrate you with unfulfilled desires. Pride leads you to act harshly in order to protect your ego and reputation.

These motivations can never be satisfied. But when love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself. It loosens your grasp and helps you let go of unnecessary things.

The Dare: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. If you overreacted, what was your real motivation behind it?

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. Proverbs 16:32.

Problem with Dare 5

I told Fred to tell me three things I do that irritate him. He looked at me as if I was crazy. He's thinking I must want to start a fight! Then he said, "First tell me something I do." No, I'm not going there. I say this isn't about him, just that if I am doing something that irritates him, I want to stop. He goes outside to work in the garden while he thinks about it. I come outside and ask him but he says, "I'm not going to tell you now!"

Inside he still says nothing. I ask if he's thought about it. He says yes. He can only think of one thing. He says I too often let things interrupt the girls' schooling. People ask me to do things and I can't say no. So I agree to try not to let that happen anymore. I'm sure he is thinking of other things, but he won't say! This is because from past experience he knows I am so defensive. I had decided not to say a word, no matter what he told me. But it was a little scary thinking about what he might say. I give him credit. If something was on his mind, he decided it was not worth telling me about. He extended grace to me and he is allowing me to be flawed and is not trying to correct me.

Anyone else? Did this dare bother you?

Progress with the girls

Arielle and Liana are enjoying these dares! Maybe the trip to Walmart motivated them. I promised them a small, daily treat upon completion of each dare, a little bigger prize for 10 completed and a big prize at the end. So they are having fun with this. While some may think they are missing the purpose of this, I think it is great they are practicing kindness. Hopefully it will become a habit. They love each other but seem to have lost the ability to show it. I'm helping them find their way.

On Dare 2, Arielle made Liana's bed. Later in the day, Liana sneaked into Arielle's room and straightened up. These little tasks done by the other delighted them. For Dare 3 I did not ask them to buy something to give, but rather to give something they already had. I said it had to be thoughtful, something the other person would truly like. Liana gave Arielle half her Kit Kat bar and Arielle gave Liana a handful of polished stones. They both were happy.

Dare 4 required them to ask the other one how they were doing and did they need anything. They both politely asked. No problem with this one. I've had to remind them several times about the negative comments they make to each other though. They immediately stop their bickering! Oh, those Walmart prizes are calling to them!

There has been an unexpected consequence to all this: the girls have been more helpful to me! Maybe they just like the pleasant feelings that come when family members are cooperating and being kind to each other. They have actually done some things without being told. They have taken initiative! I guess that's what this project is all about--taking initiative to show love.

Dare 5

Dare 5: Love is not rude. Nothing irritates others as quickly as being rude. Rudeness is unnecessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant for another person to be around. To be rude is to be unbecoming, embarrassing or irritating. In marriage this could be a foul mouth, poor table manners, or a habit of making sarcastic quips. No one enjoys being around a rude person.

Good manners express to your husband, "I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you. I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with." When you allow love to change your behavior--even in the smallest ways--you restore an atmosphere of honor to your relationship. People who practice good etiquette tend to raise the respect level of the environment around them.

Here are three guiding principles when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:
1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your husband the same way you want to be treated.
2. No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and friends.
3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do.

The Dare: Ask your spouse to tell you three (or one or two) things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking him or justifying your behavior. This is from his perspective only.

"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Proverbs 25:24.

A caution from me: When you ask this question you risk getting your feelings hurt or getting angry. Your husband won't be honest if he anticipates a fight. Or he might take advantage of the situation and give you a long list! Prepare yourself! Tell him you want to know behavior that irritates him that you can actually change, that would better your relationship. Then when he tells you, say nothing! Ponder and consider. The temptation would be to retaliate and say, "Well, you do this and that..." Or you might strongly desire to defend yourself and say he's wrong. But this is how he perceives it. So don't fuel a fight.

Friends who are doing these dares with children: My girls are making progress! Children don't have the entrenched behavior patterns that we do. We have had a pleasant week and Arielle and Liana are trying hard. I'll write more about that later.

Dare 4

Dare 4: Love is Thoughtful. When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally. You spent hours deaming of what your loved one looked like, wondering what he was doing, rehearsing impressive things to say, then enjoying sweet memories of the time you spent together. You honestly confessed, "I can't stop thinking about you."

But for most couples, things begin to change after marriage...You drift into focusing on your job, your friends, your problems, your personal desires, yourself. After a while, you unintentionally begin to ignore the needs of your mate...If you don't learn to be thoughtful, you end up regretting missed opportunities to demonstrate love. Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy to a loving relationship.

A husband should listen to his wife and learn to be considerate of her unspoken messages. A wife should learn to communicate truthfully and not say one thing while meaning another. But too often you become angry and frustrated...The thoughtful nature of love teaches you to engage your mind before engaging your lips. Love thinks before speaking. It filters words through a grid of truth and kindness.

The Dare: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he is doing and if there is anything you could do for him.

"How precious are your thoughts to me... How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand." Psalm 139:17, 18.

A gift to show love

Buy a gift for Fred that says I'm thinking of him? That one stumped me initially. Fred is not one for "stuff." I couldn't just walk around the mall and pick something up. Then I remembered he said something earlier about the new Walmart commercial advertising steaks. So I thought I would make a special trip out to get some. He would be surprised because I hate to shop at Walmart. Well, I never could find those steaks so I had to look for something else.

I thought of bakery goods but he is cutting back on fat in his diet. Then I found angel food cake! He loves that. I bought some of his favorite cereal and some coffee ice cream. I found some eucalyptus bath salts he likes and best of all, a big chunk of corned beef! I think he will know I am thinking of him.

He said tonight, "When's your next class? I said tomorrow. Jokingly he added, "You keep going to that class! I like this new wife!"

What did you buy your husband to fulfill Dare 3?

Dare 3

Day 3: Love is not selfish. We live in a world enamored with "self." If there were ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness. Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. Yet you cannot point out the many ways your spouse is selfish without admitting that you can be selfish too. Why do we have such low standards for ourselves but high expectations for our mate?

When a husband puts his interests, desires, and priorities in front of his wife, that's a sign of selfishness. When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband, that's a sign of selfishness. Choosing to love your mate will cause you to say "no" to what you want so you can say "yes" to what they need.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I truly want what's best for my husband?
• Do I want him to feel loved by me?
• Does he believe I have his best interests in mind?
• Does he see me as looking out for myself first?

The Dare: Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourself." Phillipians 2:3.

Gifts today

"Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." I John 4:7.

I love when the iris bloom! They are extravagant in their colors and shape and bring me joy. I had another unexpected gift today. I was at the kitchen window talking with Fred on the phone when an Eastern Bluebird landed on our deck railing! I have never in my life seen one. Supposedly these birds were numerous in our area long ago but are now rare. I never hoped to see one! This bird was a female. I hope she has a nest nearby. We watched for her the rest of the day but didn't see her again.

I thought Arielle did pretty well with the first dare. But when I kissed her good-night she asked me to clarify what "negative words" are. She decided she had not fulfilled the task and will try again tomorrow. I am proud of her because she wants to be honest about it.

Love among siblings

Revelation: The love principles apply to all human relationships, not just between husband and wife. My girls were arguing and yelling at each other this morning, as usual. This behavior has been escalating and is simply not acceptable. So I presented the Love Dares to them. Before I could even explain the idea, they both said, "No! No!"

But we discussed the plan and I motivated them with daily rewards (as yet undetermined) for completion of the day's dare. Does that defeat the purpose of the plan? I don't think so. Not with kids. They need to get into good habits of responding to each other. They need to learn self-control when they are tempted to lash out. They need to learn to demonstrate love. Wouldn't these skills help them later in life with their own marriages? And maybe, just maybe, these two sisters will actually begin to love each other genuinely after they've practiced choosing to react to each other in a kind way.

So I gave them the first challenge not to say anything negative to each other for a whole day. I have my doubts. But with God, nothing is impossible!

So what about you? Have you done the first two dares? Are you ready for Dare #3? Hint: you may have to go out shopping today.

Kindness to Fred

Day 2 was fairly easy for me because Fred and I were separated all day. He had real estate business and I was home with the girls. So I didn't have to worry about saying anything negative. But I kept thinking of what act of kindness I could do for him. The book said to do something "unexpected." I did make him a nice dinner, a huge hunk of beef and his favorite macaroni salad. But that is pretty much expected. It was getting late and then I knew what to do. And I resisted!

I love ending the day by reading. I have little time to read during the day and so I read novels at night. Not that there is much time to read at night either, but I do read fast. So while I was taking a shower and anticipating my book, I realized I couldn't cheat and call making dinner my act of kindness. Fred would enjoy a massage. But I am so tired, I argued. But it would be very kind to do! So I made the choice to give my time to him. He was in shock when I asked if he wanted a massage, but eagerly offered his back!

Okay, girls, share what you have done these past couple of days! (Being sensitive, of course. One rule we have in class is, don't say anything you couldn't say if your husband was sitting right next to you.) If you'd like to brag on your guy, share the 5 characteristics you admire most about him!

Dare 2

Dare 2: Love is Kind. "Kindness is love in action. If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing. One is preventative, the other proactive. Let's break kindness down into four basic core ingredients: 1) Gentleness. When you're operating from kindness, you're careful how you treat your spouse, never being unnecessarily harsh...You speak the truth in love." 2) Helpfulness. Being kind means you meet the needs of the moment. If it's housework, you get busy. A listening ear? You give it. 3) Willingness. Kindness inspires you to be agreeable. Instead of being obstinate, reluctant, or stubborn, you cooperate, you stay flexible." 4) Initiative. Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn't sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first."

The Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness."

The scripture for today: "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32.

Resources for Fireproof study

I added more detail to the first dare since some people want to follow along. So check it out. I also want to show you where you can get the Love Dare journal for yourself. You can also see a short clip of the movie and order it too. I have single friends and I want to let you know this journey is for you too. Use the Love Dares on your children or maybe someone in your family who is difficult to love. The principles will work for anyone. In our class at church we call this your "focus person." It doesn't have to be a husband.

Also, ladies! Please write your focus person's name on a card and write 5 characteristics you admire in that person. Keep the card where you can see it several times a day.

http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/product?item_no=448856&event=HPF1

I checked off Day 1 in my journal! I went through a whole day without saying anything negative to my husband. It was hard. Last night we went to a wedding in an unfamiliar part of town. Fred has a new GPS and he wasn't used to it and he was distracted. His erratic driving (in my view) is a source of contention in our marriage. After several close calls on the road, Arielle spoke up from the back, "That makes four, Daddy!" She needs to have more respect for her father. But where does her attitude come from? Me, of course.

Instead of criticizing in a negative way as I usually would, I chose to express concern and understanding. CHOSE. That's important. We choose to respond in a certain way. Because I was thinking instead of overreacting, I realized how Fred drives all day long, back and forth to school and then all over town showing property to clients. His mind is weary. I did chant a silent mantra to myself, "I will say nothing negative...I will say nothing negative." We both joked a little about it and that lightened the mood. But I need to be cautious not to let joking carry over into sarcasm.

Fireproof: Dare 1

I signed up for a women's study at church called "Fireproof Your Marriage." It is a three week course to watch the movie Fireproof and then have table discussion. We also have homework--The Love Dare journal. From the book--"...love is a decision and not just a feeling. It is selfless, sacrificial, and transformational. And when love is truly demonstrated as it was intended, your relationship is more likely to change for the better." Each day we read about one aspect of love and then are challenged to a dare to do for our husbands. The class started Wednesday.

When we arrived we had to write our husband's name on an index card and list five characteristics that we admire in him. We keep this card in front of us during discussions to remind us of his good qualities when we might be tempted to complain about him. I wrote these things about Fred: hard-working, affectionate, decisive, generous, and friendly to others. As soon as I wrote these down, I had my first revelation. These five things I AM NOT! I do not have Fred's attributes. He is my opposite, my complement. How amazing.

The movie is great! If you have not seen it, plan a date night with your husband and watch together. Tissues were tossed back and forth among the women at my table. We told why we came to this class. One woman seems to have some difficulties in her marriage. A few had seen the movie, enjoyed it, and wanted to talk about it. I really didn't want to come. I want to finish school with my girls and not be interrupted with going out in the middle of the week. But I think Fred is worth the effort and I don't want to be complacent about my marriage. We could all use a tune-up.

I was excited to have my quiet time today and begin reading the journal. Day 1: Love is Patient. "When you choose to be patient, you respond in a positive way to a negative situation. You are slow to anger..." The Dare: The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret."

Scripture for this day: "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with on another in love." Ephesians 4:2.

That shouldn't be too hard, I thought. Fred had just left for his classes and I thought back over our brief exchange so far this morning. No, I hadn't said anything negative. Off to a good start! He called me from school later, said he would go to the fruit market on the way home. A big burden off my schedule today. When he got home I hugged him and thanked him. I'm doing great with this "dare."

The girls and I were finishing up school. Fred had gone outside and I heard him start the tiller. We had just bought some seedlings, so I thought he was preparing the soil for them. It was a very windy day with a storm coming. Large branches had already fallen from the trees, thudding in the grass. When school ended, I went outside to talk to Fred. He had planted most of the fragile plants. He did a great job, except the wind threatened to rip them from the ground! I said the first thing that came to mind, "Fred, are you crazy? Why are you planting them now?" I know I hurt him. He had little cages around the tomatoes and peppers and eggplants. The fine soil was mounded up on each stem. He had worked so hard. I suggested we cover the cages with something to protect the tiny plants. He brought out some black cloth he had used to stop weeds last year and silently we cut it up and taped it around the cages and made little tents.

I failed the first day. In an attempt to be inclusive of many readers (I guess), this Love Dare journal neglected to warn us that any attempt to transform our lives in our own strength will be futile. Tomorrow I will pray that the Holy Spirit will do a work in my life and help me to be patient with my husband.

Anyone up for the challenge? I will post the dare for the day in bold print as I get to it.

Miracle in our midst

Mother's Day.

Years ago I got the middle-of-the-night call no mother wants to get. "This is the hospital. Your son was in a car accident." For that split second before the voice added, "but he's okay," terror struck me. After I hung up the phone and hastily dressed, I sobbed with relief.

A few nights ago my sister got that call. Only her terror lasted longer. "Your daughter was in a car wreck. She's alive, but that's all I can tell you." My sister didn't know any details until she arrived at the hospital.

It was a rainy night, and it had been raining for days. The road was slick, the shoulder muddy. My 17-year-old niece lost control of the car on a mountain curve, went over a steep embankment, flipped several times and crashed into a ravine. If not for a small tree that slowed the car, she would have landed in the swollen river. She kicked her way out and climbed up the bank where two college students were looking for her. They had observed headlights ahead of them on the road that suddenly disappeared into the black night. My niece was transported to the hospital but doctors only found minor bruises. The trooper on the scene said he had never seen someone survive such a crash.

I listened to my mother tell the story, first with horror, then with thanksgiving. I said good-bye to her and got down on my knees to thank our mighty God who saved my niece from death, who saved our family from unspeakable sorrow. Then I wrote this, so you too would be reminded to praise God for miracles in your midst. And maybe give your child an extra hug. It's a happy Mother's Day indeed tonight.

Flu

An interesting quote about media coverage of the swine flu from Mark Galli, senior managing editor of Christianity Today: "The media would not be tempted to overhype the swine flu if it didn't believe people were genuinely worried about it. But it's hard to understand why the swine flu elicited such fear. Even when we are told that flu viruses kill some 36,000 Americans annually, and that the swine flu has yet to kill five—well, it doesn't seem to calm us.
That may be because the "normal" flu tends to kill only infants and the elderly, while the swine flu can kill perfectly healthy people in the middle of life—people like us! While we pride ourselves on our compassion for the defenseless (i.e., infants and the elderly), this hints at another contradiction: We can live comfortably with the fact that viruses kill tens of thousands annually—as long as the victims are infants and elderly. We only panic when we hear that people like us are threatened, even if only a few dozen of us."

What do you think?

First planting and first harvest

The past week was unusually hot for April--in the 90's. The warm weather makes us want to get out and plant the garden. I had to hold my husband back and remind him that Mother's Day is the official planting time for our state, when all danger of frost is over. Some vegetables can be planted early though, so Fred got out the small tiller and stirred up a small area in our big plot of ground for our salad garden. He's already tilled twice with the big tiller, adding in fertilizer and mulch. Arielle said, "I can't wait to get my hands in the dirt!" The girls helped to plant the spinach, lettuce, onions, and radishes--in their swimsuits. Fred promised them he would spray them with the hose after we finished.

I noticed the rhubarb was ripe and ready, so we cut several stalks for everyone's favorite-- Strawberry-Rhubarb Pie. The girls wore the huge leaves for hats and then used them for flamenco dancing (in their swimsuits) before tossing them in the compost heap behind our house. I know, the leaves are poisonous. But no one was eating them. Friends, anyone want some rhubarb? Come on over!

We have been planting our garden for 12 years now. Fred has expanded it, fenced it, then re-fenced it to keep out a variety of critters. We rotate the crops and we replenish the soil. We've had to re-plant several times after flooding and a few times we've slopped through the mud after a thunderstorm and helped the baby plants to stand back up. But our garden rarely disappoints. We never use pesticides or herbicides and we have never had any attack of insects or disease. Why is this?

It's a healthy garden. The sun shines hot and strong on it most of the day. We usually get enough rain to keep it hydrated. We weed and thin to prevent over-crowding. A multitude of birds and bats eat up the pesty insects. We give the garden lots of attention and watch for problems. Maybe this is good advice for humans too. Good nutrition, sunshine, fluids. Keep out what hinders good health--poor diet, inactivity, stress. Stay away from crowds. And then let God do the rest. He provided our bodies with good immune systems to keep the pesky bugs out. If they do happen to get in, they are quickly destroyed.

Food

I've long battled food. You would never know it as I've always been thin. But weight isn't necessarily an indicator of food issues. I am not alone. I've had many, many conversations with other women about food. I've already discussed my decision to cut down on sugar, and I have. I read years ago that if you crave sugar, you're depressed. If you crave salt, you're angry. Well, I guess I'm both. Though I'm not sure there is really any truth to that. Bottom line: I eat more than I need to eat.

In nursing school, and later chiropractic school, I studied nutrition. I know the basics of a healthy diet and I've since followed all the latest breaking news from the scientists, much of it conflicting. I had every good intention of saving my daughters from the typical American diet, but my grand ideas were quickly sabotaged by my fat/sugar loving husband. So while I could discipline myself to only buy good food, he brings temptation into the house. The girls still eat fairly well though, lots of fruit and vegetables, along with pasta and rice. They eat very little meat, as they don't like it. Maybe genetics has determined that.

I think food can destroy good health, and also it can be medicine. When I was sick with my lung ailment years ago, Fred would bring me fresh strawberries every day. I ate huge quantities of strawberries and I believe they were a part of my healing. I have celiac disease, so wheat is toxic to me. We know diet is very important. If we have children, we owe them our very best effort to give them the right food so they can grow properly. But where does being a good steward of the body God gave us clash with being obsessed with food? No doubt as a culture we spend way too much time thinking about food. (I know I've spent way too much time preparing food!)

I read a fascinating article by Mark Galli in Christianity Today. He discused the numerous studies always being conducted on food and food's impact on health. In particular, we're always warned of the horrors of red meat. He comments, "Now every time I sit down to a polish sausage or hamburger, I will not be able to count it as joy. The steak sitting gloriously before me will not signal a gift from God but a tempation of the Health Devil and the Grim Reaper."

And there's the point: we can't enjoy the food God has provided for us because food brings guilt! We can't be thankful for it. How can you thank God when you are giving in to "temptation"? Galli goes on to say, "The bottom line is that food of all sorts--but especially food that we have traditionally enjoyed the most, the lusty foods dripping with sweetness and fat--is now seen as a threat. A threat to what? Well, longevity. Most of these studies are about discovering the relationship of a food or nutrient to death...the goal of the scientific health community seems to be to flag foods that cut life short, because, as we all know, the idea is to live as long as possible."

Is this Biblical? How liberating this thought is to me! Can we leave the length of our days to God and stop obsessing about every bite of food? Let's end the guilt and be grateful to God for the nourishment and yes, the pleasure food gives. Can you tell me where the scriptures say our goal is to live as long as possible? That the pursuit of the fountain of youth should be our goal? Galli says, "This fixation on food's relationship to death is but another sign of our culture's deep fear of death." As Christians, what do we really believe?

I think I'll ENJOY a dish of Breyer's strawberry ice cream right now while I plan tomorrow's lessons for my girls, my very healthy girls, raised on the bounty of our organic vegetable garden but allowed the occasional treats their father takes joy in giving them. Scripture tells us "all things in moderation." (Oh, if we would just do that!) We press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. The goal is not longevity and food is not our god.

Mark Galli sums up his article with these wise words: "The point of our sojourn on this planet is not to live long but to live well."

Cooking for Alpha

Fred and I have cooked the dinners for all the Alpha attendees for as long as Alpha has been offered to the community at our church. It's been three years now, two sessions each year. For those who don't know, Alpha is an international, inter-denominational, 10-week program designed to explore the Christian faith over a meal, friendly conversation in small groups, and a short video presentation. It is supported by most all Christian churches. At our church alone, hundreds of people have attended, many of them new to the faith or questioning what it's all about.

We have had our struggles in the kitchen. In the beginning, we couldn't find anyone to help us cook for the 40-70 people who attend each week, except for one woman who makes the dessert. But now, Fred and I easily do most of the work alone. We've had many frustrating encounters with the Awana cooking crew, with which we share the kitchen on the same night. But now, Fred and I have made peace with them, and they have reluctantly accepted the fact that we have a right to the kitchen too. We've had complaints about the menu, but that doesn't bother us anymore. It is what it is. Fred and I often used to be short with each other after we got home at night, both of us exhausted after standing for 4 hours staight without a break. But now we're stronger and tougher.

People ask us, why do we continue to do this? First of all, we believe each person should give back to their home church. We receive so much from our church, so we need to contribute what we can of our time, treasure and talent. We don't have much treasure to tithe, so it's our time we give. Maybe talent too--I have been cooking for a big family since I was a young woman, so that experience is being put to good use.

Second, we want to be part of God's work in this world. Many people ask, "How can I find out what God's will is for my life?" I heard an answer to that question that made sense. "Find out what God is doing and join in." A friend first told me about Alpha years ago. She had attended the program at her church and she said it changed her whole life for the better. Then one year at the end of one of our Alpha sessions, several people gave testimonies on how it had helped them. Fred and I are glad to be a small part of that.

Also, every now and then we get positive feedback and it warms our hearts and makes us want to continue. In this last session especially, several people have let us know how much they enjoy the food and tell us they appreciate us cooking their dinner each week. Tomorrow another 10-week course ends. Each time, Fred and I re-evaluate. Will we continue? And if we don't, who will do it? It is very hard to get anyone to volunteer for this job.

On Good Friday I attended a service with a friend at another church. Some words spoken by a woman there stuck with me these last few days. On the night before Jesus died, he washed his disciples' feet. This was a job no one else wanted to do. Then Jesus said, "Go and do likewise." Sometimes we are looking for a big, important, glorious ministry in the church. But maybe we just need to do the job no one else wants to do. We need to be a servant in the house of our God.
Last month we were asked to assist at a special event. People involved in Alpha programs from churches all across the metropolitan area were invited to come to an information-sharing night at our church. Also, pastors and priests from churches that do not currently have the Alpha program were invited to find out about it. There were over 100 people there, all gathered in our gym for music, a meal, and fellowship. We had many helpers from many churches. In the kitchen with us were women from two local Catholic churches and also an elderly couple from the Presbyterian church across the street from our house. I stood at the stove and cooked all the chicken cutlets and let others hustle around setting up and preparing the other food. It was great to have help! And I was privileged to see the diverse, colorful groups walk in. Members of black and Asian churches from the inner city, Catholic priests, Methodists, and Baptists poured through our doors.

A couple of guys from our church played guitars and led the group in praise songs. Everyone stood and lifted their voices in worship! How pleased God must have been to see a fulfillment of Jesus' prayer to his father in John 17, "that they may be one as we are one." We celebrated our common belief in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and at least for one night, we forgot all about our differences.

Journey stories

I was asked to speak at the annual women's conference at our church. Several people would be sharing their individual life journeys and the attendees would be encouraged to begin writing their own stories. The event would serve as a mini-writing workshop. We all have stories to tell and our lives are so different. I was asked to talk about our decision to adopt our children from China.

My initial response was to say no to the request. I do not like speaking in front of a group, especially a crowd as large as this one would be. It is stressful and uncomfortable for me. I had little time to prepare. There were plenty of reasons why I couldn't do it. Then the thought came to me that maybe I had something important to share, something that would be beneficial to others. Maybe a child somewhere would have a home because I told of my wonderful daughters and how they have blessed my life. Maybe someone struggling with defeat would be encouraged by my story of God's forgiveness. My adoption story is really a story of forgiveness--too long to tell here now. Bottom line--God was nudging me to speak, and in reluctant obedience I said I would participate.

What an incredible morning it was! I realized how much I missed the women of my church. Since I began homeschooling, I let go of a lot of church activities that used to be so important to my life. I spent much time through the years with so many of the women who were here this day. Many were close at one time and I was so glad to see them and catch up on our lives.

Each of the very different speakers gave testimony to God's hand on her life as each traveled a very different journey. An older woman spoke first. She was one of the founding members of our church, a girl from Kentucky who, with her husband, began one of the largest churches in this suburban area. I was second to speak. Maybe I will have the courage to post my story here someday. It was hard to tell that morning and it would be hard to tell here. In summary, my story is about a woman who loved Jesus but decided at one point to pursue her own interests and rebel against God's ways. It is the story of my way back and how God forgave me when I didn't deserve it and then abundantly blessed me with these two precious daughters.

Next, to my amazement, was my "angel" K.! Yes, the same woman who shared her wisdom with me on Christmas Eve. She spoke first about her difficulties with family members afflicted with mental illness. She said she heard a sermon once and the pastor quoted Philippians 1:21: "For to me, to live is "____." He invited people to fill in the blank. K. said, "For to me, to live is suffering." Later she realized that throughout her life she had been such a joyful person, and that God had given her a gift of joy from childhood. She saw she had lost that joy and with God's help, reclaimed it. Later she could honestly say, "For to me, to live is Christ." She then told about her diagnosis of stage 3 ovarian cancer a year ago. Through her testimony, we saw that even now she has not lost that joy. She told her story with great humor and no sign of self-pity. She ended her story with the next line of the scripture, "For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain."

The next speaker unexpectedly lost her husband last year. She honestly told of the excruciating pain she's endured. She revealed how God has ministered to her through the Word that keeps coming to her mind. All the scriptures she's memorized throughout her lifetime now comfort her. God continually reassures her of his presence and that keeps her going forward each day.

Jesus said, "In me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world." I've told some sad tales lately on this blog and I need to remember these words myself. God will sustain us through whatever life brings. He's given us his Word to comfort us by promising he will always be with us. His Word is living! He has also given us the sisterhood of other women to console and affirm and encourage each other. When we are strong, we uphold others who have lost their strength. We weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice.

What would your journey story be?

Into the darkness

I have many stories to tell of God's goodness and our hope and joy through him in this world. But somehow the darkness overshadows that goodness right now and my life is caught up in the grief of others. This time it is another friend of mine. I cannot tell of the details because there will be a trial coming up and I would not want the information to get into the wrong hands.

To support my friend, I offered to go to juvenile court with her yesterday. From 9am to 2pm, a small waiting room was filled with people--all with the same court time of 9am. What a system we have. What suffering in that room. Families broken and parents waging war over custody. Two scruffy young boys doing their best to wait patiently, their lives in the hands of a judge who hasn't had time to preview the case and has to make a snap decision on the information he has. A teenage girl in some sort of trouble writes furiously in a diary the whole time we wait. Her life in the hands of an overworked, very young caseworker.

I saw evil in the eyes of fathers. Fathers who have not been fathers, but have selfishly pursued their own pleasures and in the meantime have destroyed their children's lives. Children who have been neglected and mistreated. Children who act out their rage with crimes against the society that produced them. This room, this place, is a culmination of our sick and perverted culture. This was one day in one county in this country, reproduced thousands of time across our nation on any given day. Lord, have mercy.

Sushi in the car

On Sunday Liana had a playdate with a friend who lives on the other side of church. Arielle and I didn't want to drive all the way home and then go back out again. So we had three hours to spend together. All week we were thinking about what we would do with the time, but we had no definite plans.

First we went to a fabric store and I picked out a couple more colors to add to my quilt. Arielle wanted to look at the new Webkinz in the gift shop. She almost bought one but it is hard for her to spend her own money. (She likes spending mine though!) We also had to to to Trader Joe's for bread and we walked around there for a little while, sampling the free coffee and soup. By now it was lunch time. I had intended to take Arielle out to eat somewhere. We have so little time alone together. Then she noticed the sushi in Trader Joe's refrigerated case. Could we get some? I reminded her we would have to eat it in the car. No restaurant would allow us to come in and eat our own food. She was fine with that. So many choices for sushi! California rolls, vegetable rolls, chicken, shiitake, crab. Finally we each chose one and then found a couple of 49 cent bottles of water. At the checkout the clerk asked if we wanted chopsticks to go with our meal. Helpful man!

Arielle got in the front seat of the car (special treat) and we ate our sushi with the chopsticks. We've never tasted better nor had so much fun eating it. As we talked, I got a glimpse of the lovely young woman Arielle is growing to be and the easy companionship of mother and daughter that I hope will characterize at our future years together.

Laughing, with our teeth full of spinach and sesame seeds, we headed for Barnes and Noble and promised not to smile if we saw anyone we knew.

Why we like March

We almost always have a late winter snow and March definitely came in like a lion this year. March 1st into the 2nd a blizzard blasted through and it was the bigggest storm of the season. But the best thing about March snow is that it melts quickly. Five days later it was almost 70.

Liana had her best friend over to play and suffering from spring fever, they donned Easter dresses and ran outside barefoot, despite some snow still on the ground. I caught a glimpse of them out the kitchen window sliding down the hill on the sled. Their joy is contagious!

On a warm March day you can enjoy being outdoors without sneezing from pollen or swatting at bugs. Since there are no leaves on the trees we can see old bird nests and watch the migrating birds returning to them. We can hear again the chatter of a thousand voices coming from our bamboo grove now that the little birds have come back from wherever they go in the winter. We also noticed a new flock of huge aggressive crows chasing the squirrels away from our neighbor's deer feeder. The time changed! I always love when we have more daylight hours in the evening, and as an extra bonus, at dawn the full moon rose bright and beautiful from my western window.

Fred made what was maybe one last fire in the woodstove as the temperature dropped below freezing last night, but spring is on its way. That promise makes us restless and longing to be free from the the confines of the house. But it was a good winter. This morning I thanked God for all His blessings on us these past few months and asked Him for another winter to enjoy.

Refreshment

Sometimes the sorrows and tragedies of this world can be overwhelming. Sometimes just trudging through our daily routines and the ordinary battles of day-to-day living can steal our joy. We need a break. It came for me unexpectedly.

My girls were invited to a birthday party at a paint-your-own-pottery type place. They were very excited. After all that happened the last couple of weeks, I saw the invitation as another task to do on an already busy Saturday afternoon. When we arrived my friend and the mom of the birthday girl said, "You're going to paint something too, aren't you?" Well, no, I hadn't planned on that. I am no artist and lack any imagination to design a project. I even lack the fine motor skills needed to paint. Reluctantly, I agreed. What else would I do while I waited?

All the children happily took a piece of pottery and chose their paint colors. Arielle began painting a purple piggy bank and Liana chose a vase and immediately knew what she wanted to do with it. I looked at every piece in the store over and over. What to choose? I am practical. What would I actually use? Finally I selected a sugar bowl. What color? What brushes? Oh, the decisions to make. This was stressful. The girls and I had been studying Van Gogh and we admired his use of bright colors, so my bowl would be turquoise blue highlighted with yellow handles. And, of course, sunflowers should adorn the outside.

The children settled in to their painting, talking quietly among themselves. My brush swished back and forth, washing my pottery in color. You need at least three coats, my friend said. It took a long time, but no one seemed to mind. Then it came to me. What was this feeling? Relaxation? Peace? A week later my friend returned our creations and we were delighted with the shiny, colorful finish that emerged with the glazing and firing.

Another friend invited me to join her for a quilting class. I have time for that? But I do love quilts and I had been missing my friend, so I thought it would be fun to spend time with her. And it was! We went to a cute little quilt shop not far from home and for two hours our teacher explained the design and new techniques we would be using. Afterwards we browsed the shop looking at the beautiful fabrics. I couldn't sleep that night because my brain was racing with ideas.

Several factors were at work here: friendship--the easy, relaxing kind when you can be yourself without feeling judged. What a gift friends like that are! Second, time away from routine, especially to learn a new skill. We all need a break and brain stimulation. Third, the act of creating. (Even when you don't think you are the creative sort.) We are made in the image of God and He is the Grand Creator. So we are also creators by nature on a very small scale and it brings us joy to fulfill these very human yearnings. Even the children, these little women, relaxed and found pleasure in creating. I hope you would find many refreshing days ahead.

Requiem for a soldier

"There is an appointed time for everything and there is a time for every event under heaven-- a time to give birth and a time to die; a time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted. A time to kill and a time to heal; a time to tear down and a time to build up. A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance. A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones; a time to embrace and a time to shun embracing. A time to search and a time to give up as lost; a time to keep and a time to throw away. A time to tear apart and a time to sew together; a time to be silent and a time to speak. A time to love and a time to hate; a time for war and a time for peace." Ecclesiastes 3.

Along with 19 others, I was asked to prepare Marc's favorite dessert for the memorial service. What a privilege to do something, anything, for the family. I carefully chose only the very best granny smith apples to make the apple crisp. Ordinarily, I just slap food together to be as quick as possible to finish the task of cooking, but I found myself painstakingly cutting and mixing this dish and thinking about other food I served this family. After the birth of the youngest child I brought to their house fried chicken and macaroni and cheese. The only reason I remember this is because Mary often talked about it. She always said how nice that was, but then laughed about how I didn't know at the time she hated cheese.

As I baked the dessert the phone rang. It was someone from our police department--the emergency call system put in place to tell us of fallen trees on the road or downed power lines. The call goes out to everyone in our town. Today we were told the route Marc's body would take from the funeral home to the park where the memorial service would be held. To honor our hometown fallen soldier, residents were encouraged to "line the streets." And they did. Citizens came out on this bitter, cold day--the elderly, veterans, moms and dads and little kids. They stood along the roads, flags in hand, awaiting the procession.

Fred, three of my boys, and I arrived at the park. There were so many people that shuttle buses were carrying us from a distant parking lot to the pavillion at the edge of the woods that Marc so loved. Thankfully, this open structure was covered with clear plastic curtains to block some of the wind, but they flapped wildly with the icy blasts. Once again, we saw our old friends and neighbors, bundled up in their scarfs and hats. But this time there was nothing to say. The ceremony was solemn and respectful. The eulogies were in turn sad, humorous, and heartbreaking. We cried, then laughed. Amazing Grace came in haunting tones from the bagpipes as the wind howled around us. At the very end, a recording of the old song Ballad of the Green Berets was played. The author of that song was like Marc--a Green Beret, a medic, and a staff sergeant, only he did not die in the war in which he served. I knew every word to that song. It's a song from my youth that was on the radio constantly during the Vietnam era, but today it has new meaning.

"Silver wings upon their chest, these are men, America's best, one hundred men we'll test today, but only three win the Green Beret."

At the end of the song a woman's anguished cry pierced the frosty air. Mary? A sister? The fiancee? Her desolate wail squeezed our hearts and tears flowed again. Is there any meaning to be found here? A life well-lived, full and rich--but much too short in our eyes. History repeats--war and death. Amazing grace--the only hope in this desperate world.

Somber reunion

With fear and trembling (literally), Damien and I pay our respects to the family. Why is this so difficult? Because we may say or do something to offend these hurting people? Because we are afraid we may not know how to speak or act? Because by immersing ourselves in their grief, we are acknowledging our common mortality and the fact that this pain could easily be our own?

On the porch stand two men--Marc's step-father and a neighbor from the other side. My relationship with them in the past consisted of friendly hellos and shared social events. However, today we sob together and hold each other tightly. All we can say is, "Oh, my God!" over and over. Their sorrow pours out, drenching me in it. How can this be happening? Inside the house, Mary's pain is too deep to reach. She is just going through the motions-- hugging, visiting with the crowd, talking, and then suddenly running away to the refuge of her room to get away. In the kitchen, people stand around talking softly, smiling hesitantly at those they haven't seen in awhile. I remember the loud laughter and fun of this house 18 years ago when we lived next door. Laughter that was still heard just a few days ago, I'm sure.

Marc's siblings have come from other states. Beautiful kids, all grown-up. The whole neighborhood is here, it seems. The twins from down the hill who confront Damien on how he used to harass them. Other kids who used to play street hockey in the driveway or capture the flag on the grassy hills around our yards. I see the snooty past president of the PTA. She's still snooty, but old. Maybe she looks at me and thinks I'm old too. We hug though, and it is good to be here and see these people-- even her.

Several days later we go to the funeral home for Marc's viewing on a cold, blustery night. A long line of people has formed around the building. There are so many people here that they can't fit inside. Old veterans stand motionless out front in this frigid air, holding tightly to big flags that snap in the wind. We wait over an hour just to get in the building. At first the mood is reverent and still as we wait. As the minutes go by and the wind picks up to seemingly gale force, we recall stories of the former days in the old neighborhood and shiver and laugh. But we sober up right away once we get inside. Pictures of Marc surround us. His mementos from school and sports, his awards. He was a Green Beret. The tears flow again. We reach the casket. No, it isn't Marc. Doesn't look a bit like him. He was full of life, mischievous, always smiling. I can't look anymore at this stranger.

Mary. Oh, Mary. She's exhausted, drained. Greeting people for hours, standing here near the body of her son. What a strange custom we have that a family must endure. Mary and I exchange a few words--what we wouldn't give to have our children little again, to go back to those carefree days, ignorant of this impending tragedy. As we leave we run into more people, old friends, classmates of my boys. A grand reunion here in this funeral home. A young woman beside me in line graduated with Jon. She says, "What fun it would have been to catch up with everyone at a different time and place. A wedding maybe." Marc's wedding that will never be.

Boy next door

My former next-door neighbor and good friend is the business manager of our local library. After our kids grew up and I moved to a different part of town, Mary and I didn't seen each other much until she got this library job. Now we frequently see her and catch up on family news. There is something special between next-door moms and kids who grow up together.

I saw Mary last Wednesday. We talked for longer than usual while my girls looked for books. We told stories of old neighbors we've seen and what our kids are up to. She always asks about Damien--her favorite of my kids. I asked about her son Marc, an Army medic, who recently left for Afghanistan. She said Marc was eager to go and that his girlfriend has just forwarded a picture she'd received from Marc. Mary said he had a big smile on his face and that he'd grown a beard. I pictured the little blond, blue-eyed boy I once knew--now a man--and we laughed about that.

On Friday Damien called me, devastated, broken, weeping. He responded to my cheery voice on the phone, "I guess you didn't hear the bad news." A chill went through me. What bad news? "Marc was killed in Afghanistan."

Oh no oh no oh no oh no! It can't be! It can't be because I just talked to his mom and she said he was okay! So how could he be dead?? The horror of it! My thoughts go to Mary. How can she bear this? Oh, the world is a terrible place. This should not have happened.

A sign in front of our municipal building explains why the flag is at half-mast. In honor of Marc.

Time warp

We were in another dimension for the past couple of weeks. We went to a place where time is suspended, where our old lives are, in fact, put on hold. It was a time of being imprisoned in our house except for a couple of forays into the medical world. We're emerging from our exile now, and I can't believe it has only been about 10 days. It seemed like forever.

On Wednesday Fred suddenly spiked a fever of 103 and with it chills and a horrifying cough. On Thursday, my little Liana fell too, and then Arielle on Friday. My world was confined to dispensing Motrin, cough syrup, and soft foods and cold drinks. The girls had no interest in TV, books, games, or anything. Everyone was in a stupor, alternating between sleep and moaning. Saturday skipped me, but then Sunday morning I ached so bad with fever I could hardly walk across my bedroom. Arielle, feeling a little better, brought me applesauce and water. Fred brought medicine. Monday, we all felt somewhat better. We were still weak, but we were thinking we were on the other side of this. But no, the girls began a new round of fever and coughing. I was especially worried about Arielle. Her cough just wouldn't let up. Another trip to the doctor. He ordered a chest x-ray to rule out pneumonia. For anyone feeling smug because you had your flu shot--think again! Our doctor did two tests that came back negative for influenza.

Fred and I joked saying, "Remember when we used to all eat dinner together?" Or, "Remember when we watched a movie and made popcorn on Friday night?" Those days seem remote when you are in the midst of illness. We decided we loved our old life!

Then, just as suddenly as it all began, Arielle's fever abruptly ended. She was fine the next day. For all my complaining, I am grateful. I think of people who live this life every day for a long, long time. People with serious illnesses with no hope of recovery. People who long for the old life when good health was taken for granted and now is a much coveted gift. Love your life, thank God for your health.

Words of wisdom

A strange thing happened on Christmas Eve during the girls' rehearsal. Two days earlier I had been to the hospital for a medical test to rule out a disease that took my grandmother's life. I did not know the results. So this day I was sitting in a front pew of church watching my girls practice their song and other people practice their lines for the Christmas play. During a break an older woman I never saw before came and sat down beside me unexpectedly. She poured out her heart to me and told me she had just been diagnosed in March with this same disease! She had refused chemotherapy and was caring for herself with a special diet. I then told her about my test. She said very forcefully to me, "Stop eating sugar. It causes cancer and it is a big factor in aging. Think of your girls." Then she walked away.

My diet has been an issue for awhile. (This woman, of course, did not know that.) I know I should be eating more nutritious food and not eating other things. I don't have a weight problem so no one would guess my battles with food. Except God.

I take very seriously what this woman said to me. This is no New Year Resolution to try out for the month of January. This is a decision I make now for a lifetime. Not recklessly eliminating specific foods, but being more responsible about what I eat. I will be obedient to this solemn warning. I don't want to leave this world before my girls are grown.

My test came back normal. Our God has been gracious to me.

Reliving the season

I'm not ready to press ahead to the New Year yet. It has been a wonderful season and I want to relive some of the good times. My daughters, this is for you. You two made Christmas so much fun this year! I am grateful to have shared it once again with you and your dad.

First, there was the trip to the farm to choose our tree. Daddy set up his huge train town underneath it and you girls carefully unwrapped the ornaments and hung them on the branches. You both said this day was the very best.

What about driving around at night? I loved hearing you girls yell out, "Beauts!" everytime we passed a decorated house. Remember when Daddy played the CD with "What Child Is This?" over and over really loud and we drove around to find the best houses? What about that one house Helen told us about that was covered in colored lights that were synchronized to blink in time to a radio station playing Christmas music?

We had fun at the mall a couple of times too. Arielle, you helped Dad choose a Land's End outfit for me while Liana and I got gifts for Dad. Then we went to that fancy kitchen store and ate the free samples of peppermint bark they passed out. We saw the old REAL Santa, the same one who used to hold you both on his lap when you were babies. He is still holding babies, but you girls are too big now and you just like to go and watch him for a few minutes.

You had a good time rolling out, cutting and icing the Christmas cookies. What talented girls you are! The cookies were beautiful. But then after you went to bed, Dad ate the best ones! He loves those kind of cookies.

We sat in our favorite spot at the Christmas concert at church, right in front of the violins. All three of us liked the same song the best--the one where Mary and Elizabeth sing back and forth. We finally got to watch "The Story of the Nativity" on DVD and it made us think about what it might have really been like that Holy Night.

You girls had fun watching the UPS man bring all those packages to the door, thanks to Mom and Dad's late-night shopping on Amazon and the generosity of out-of-state family and friends. Stacia and Dominic came and you spent the day making a gingerbread house and snowflake decorations for the windows. Then there were many nights of watching your favorite holiday shows with Dad supervising the two of you roasting marshmallows in the wood stove.

Finally, with the big day almost here, we went to church on a rainy, windy Christmas Eve in the afternoon to rehearse the duet you girls were to sing for hundreds of people at the two services that evening. I was so proud of you. With great poise and confidence you both climbed the stairs right on cue and walked to the microphone. You sang beautifully with all your hearts as I watched your precious little faces up there. You stayed to sing the final carols and then, before you could come back down to us, Daddy jumped up from his seat and grabbed you, Liana, whirling you down from the stage, your poofy skirt flying. Then, Arielle, he lifted you down in his strong arms too. He wanted everyone to know you two were his daughters!

The next morning, all your brothers, sister, and their families arrived for our traditional gift-opening and dinner. I know you girls love being with the whole big family. Every step leading up to Christmas was wonderful this year. Thank you, girls!

Wrapped in love

Following my mother's example, I like to give my kids a tangible expression of love. And since she taught me to sew, I like to give quilts. I've made each of my six children one through the years. Some have enjoyed them more than others, but each quilt has served its purpose-- warming the heart and warming the bed.

With my two oldest grandkids halfway across the country, I decided to make them fleece throws for the frigid Minnesota nights. I picture them wrapped in the blankets watching TV or playing a game. But more so, I hope the softness covering them will remind them of hugs from the extended family so far away.

After making these blankets for Kelsey and Seth, I decide to make flannel quilts for the little ones. Princesses in pink and purple for Mattie, pink rainbows surrounded by yellow sunlight for Lana, and a pink-and-white 9-square for Laci Bo. I'm on a roll now. With so many in our family, we draw names among the adults for Christmas gifts. So I get fleece for my pollyanna. Marissa's birthday is two days after Christmas, so I make her one too. My husband? What about when he is cold on the sofa from watching the football game so long? Okay, this is getting out of hand.

At Damien's birthday party last week someone brought up the old quilts I made long ago. Damien said his is pretty much a rag now (he's 32) but he still likes it when he's sick. He said, "It makes me feel better." So I continue to sew and someday when I'm gone I hope the worn scraps of fabric will remind my family of how much each one is loved. As for Damien--it's his name I drew this year. He is getting a new blankie for Christmas!

Special morning

I never spend Christmas with my mother anymore. It's been over thirty years. But every year she faithfully sends huge boxes of gifts for everyone in the family. She is outrageously extravagant. She made Christmas magic for me as a child and she continues to do so. Every December I can always count on a special, personal "mother-type" gift for me. She knows just what I will like. One year it was a soft, powder blue robe, another year a long flannel nightgown. I like to open these gifts alone beside the tree, in the quiet stillness of dawn. That way I can spend private time with thoughts of the mother I love so dearly.

Today Fred left early and the girls were still asleep. I looked through the packages my mother sent. Some had warnings on them for me--"Don't open before Christmas!" My mother is like that. She always tells me to wait. But she doesn't realize how I treasure this one morning. Still, I choose a large box with no warning label on it. And I also find a small, squishy gift. Before the lighted tree I slowly unwrap her presents. I always picture her hands doing the wrapping. It's funny how we remember hands. Maybe because as small children we see our mothers' hands down at our level. The little package, wrapped in a fancy brocade paper with a curled ribbon contains two pairs of Christmas socks, whimsically decorated with reindeer and snowflakes. I smile. She knows I like silly socks. Then the bigger box. I cut the ribbon and inside is something soft wrapped in red tissue paper, carefully taped. My mother doesn't rush wrapping gifts like I do. She never rushed us kids either. She always took time for us. I take the paper off. The gift is a beautiful fleece zip jacket in blue, L.L. Bean. I can hear her say, "That color will look good on you with your eyes." The jacket is warm, earthy, comfortable--like my mom. Tears spring up in my eyes. She is such a good mother. She has so many kids, so many grandkids, yet each gift is thoughtfully chosen so we each feel special, like we are the only one. In the twinkly light of my living room, I whisper, "Thank you, Mother. Merry Christmas."

O Christmas Tree

Fred and I were talking about how Christmas is a disappointment for some people. Maybe Christmas was magical when they were children but now they can't recapture that feeling again no matter how hard they try. That's not even considering people who have lost loved ones or experienced some trauma this past year. I've had many Christmases when I just wished it would be over quickly. It's hard to pretend to be joyful when you just don't feel the joy. But the Christmas tree has always been enchanting for me.

This year we went to our local tree farm on the coldest day of the season (again). We bundled up in layers from head to toe. Then we climbed onto the hay wagon and sat on the metal seats as the wind whipped about us. The tractor groaned across the ruts on the frozen ground and finally we were dropped off to select our tree. I resisted the temptation to plead with the man to return for us soon. It was way too cold to dilly-dally. This year we are on a budget and we would just quickly find a small tree. But the girls had such fun as they skipped along the rows between trees saying, "This one!" And then a minute later, "No, this one!" In the end, a seven-footer was calling to Fred and he cut it down and dragged it back to wait for the wagon.

With great excitement the girls unpacked all the ornaments to decorate the big tree. I told them again the story of the special ones I got when we were waiting for them to come home from China. The purple crepe-paper Asian angel for Arielle and a glass ball with a delicately painted black-haired flying angel for Liana. We brought out the little walnut shell cradles that I made many years ago as a fundraiser for Half the Sky. Each ornament has a child's name written on the red ribbon, a child who was waiting for a family back then. I find "Our First Christmas Together" for the year Fred and I got married. Then there are all the handcrafted ones--projects made by little hands. Memories are attached to each decoration. I returned the boys' old ornaments to them long ago so they can add them to their own family's tree. But I would like to see them again and remember. And oh, the ornaments from my own childhood! To unwrap them and hold them in my hands again!

Christmas was magic for me as a child. I loved to sit on the floor in front of the tree, silent, with all the lights glowing. It was so peaceful, a time to wonder and anticipate. Even now, I stare at the tree in the silence and peace descends. I'm filled with gratefulness to God for so many Christmases. I've been given one more year, one more tree to gaze upon, another year with family to celebrate our Lord's birth.

Our pastor reminded us not to lose our amazement at the Christmas story as we reflect on the familiar passages. The incredible birth of Jesus--God, coming to earth as a man! At the time, God had not spoken to His people for hundreds of years. They longed for the Messiah, and generation after generation awaited His coming. Immanuel, God with us. Never again would God's people be lost and alone. Knowing this, we rejoice like the shepherds did as they heard the angel proclaim, "Don't be afraid. I bring you news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; He is Christ the Lord."

"For all the people." Jesus did not come only for the people back then. He came for us too and He is here with us. He is the magic of Christmas. He is the peace-bringer, the one whose Spirit comes and calms my soul when I watch the tiny lights on our tall tree. So many memories of Christmases past flood my mind. The love for my mother and all my brothers and sisters. My mother did her best to make the holiday beautiful for us. And my siblings made it fun. With a tear, I think of my little boys, all now grown men. I remember their excitement when Christmas was still magic for them. And my little girls. Oh, what joy fills their hearts this time of year! They love every minute of the preparations, but bringing home the tree and decorating it is at the top of their list. After the frozen fingers and toes and the cold wagon ride and the mess in the living room, we turn on the lights and there it is: O Christmas Tree!