Good Old Summertime

Picnic in the Park

Flying in the Backyard


Sidewalk Chalk


Girlfriends

More Girlfriends

Close your eyes and think back to summer when you were a child. What images, smells, and feelings come to mind? Growing up in Arizona, I think first of all--HOT. The heat, the stifling heat that silenced the world. Even the birds were quiet. But we kids did not mind the heat. I think of the scorching sidewalk that burned our feet, and the shade of the trees in the front yard that provided a refuge from the burning sun. We corraled grasshoppers by making a fence with our legs and pretended they were pets. I don't know what kind of docile critters those were because our grasshoppers here would jump away from such childish nonsense. I remember flip-flops (we called them thongs) that were studded with huge thorns after we came in from the yard. I think of icy red kool-aid and the sound of our cooler pumping damp, cold air into our house and the smooth, cool linoleum floors where my sister and I played. I loved summer. I wish I could slow down and love it again. I am trying to fill the girls' days with activities and friends, but somehow it just makes life crazy. Maybe I need to just do what my mom did--nothing, except give us freedom to explore and time to daydream. We amused ourselves and had loads of fun.

North vs. South

Where do your sentiments lie? Are you a Northerner or a Southerner? Are you citified or countrified? Maybe the test is in how you like your green beans. Actually, maybe the deciding factor is whether you call them green beans or string beans.

Our garden is bountiful this year! Lots of rain has made the vegetation lush and our little piece of the earth is producing way more than we can eat. Come on over! We're happy to share!

So anyway, we have lots of green beans. That's what we call them in Pennsylvania. I'm always looking for recipes to use them to tempt Fred to eat more than he does. The girls and I need no coaxing. Here is my favorite recipe:

Take stems off beans. Rinse off the dirt. (No pesticides to worry about.) Steam in water about 9 minutes. Add a little butter. Fantastic! Sometimes we sprinkle on a little Parmesan cheese and maybe serve it with hot rice.

Last year I came across a southern, country-style recipe and we all liked it. My friend also said she prepares them in a similar way: Fry up a pound of bacon til crisp. When cool, crumble the bacon. Take 1/4 cup of the bacon fat and put in a pot. Stir in a mess of beans, cleaned and prepared. Add 2 cups of chicken broth and some garlic salt and pepper. Cover and simmer about 30 minutes. Then add some quartered red potatoes and a chopped onion. Cook another 30 minutes. Then stir in the bacon. Now the original recipe calls for adding in a stick of butter at this point. What?! There is plenty of grease already in this dish. So I leave that out. This is mighty good anyway. So I'm a northern girl with southern roots, but I lean toward less cooking of my vegetables and using less fat.

My two daughters have their own favorite way with beans. They walk through the rows of bean plants, barefoot preferably, snapping off a slender pod and popping it into their mouths. The only cooking done is by the warmth of the summer sun.

How do you like your beans?

Wedding weekend, Part 4

Here are the final reflections on our family wedding. We arrived at the empty reception hall and set about preparing it to receive the guests. We set out the cake, cleared the banquet table, lit the candles, spread fresh pink rose petals on the other tables, and dimmed the lights. The place looked festive! People started arriving and then Helen came with the food. What a worker she is! In no time at all, thanks to her expertise, the food was ready to serve. I enjoyed serving the delicious food to the guests. I got to see the people close up and interact with each one a little.

The rest of the evening flew by. Helen and I had a quick meal together, but otherwise I didn't seem to have a chance to talk with anyone, even my husband. Fred and Helen loaded the car and returned all the equipment.

The one highlight of the rest of the evening was dancing with my son. He chose a Marc Cohn song, "The Things We've Handed Down".

Will you laugh just like your mother
Will you sigh like your old man
Will some things skip a generation
Like I've heard they often can...

It's hard to let go of the baby of the family. Jon was the youngest of the boys. He always resented that we babied him and had trouble accepting the fact that he was a grown-up. But he surely is. He is mature and responsible and works hard to take care of his family. As we dance I remember other songs and other occasions when I danced with Jon. When he was a newborn baby, right before Christmas, I think of swaying with him in my arms, singing John Denver's "A Baby Just Like You". But I changed the words to sing, "Merry Christmas, little Jonathan, Merry Christmas everyone..." Then years later, influenced by our country-western days on the plains of Oklahoma, I would gather my little boy in my arms and dance through the house singing along with Alabama's "Mountain Music." Jon would squeal with laughter and I would be out-of-breath with our lively dance moves. By the time our dance tonight ends, I am in tears.

It's a Marc Cohn night. Jon and Chrissy dance to "True Companion." They look so tender together, so in love, as the music plays.

"I've got my heart set on our wedding day
I've got this vision of a girl in white
Made my decision that it's you all right..."

Then later, the only time the dance floor is filled is when "Silver Thunderbird" is played. All eight of our kids together. I snap pictures of them all.

Finally, it's over. My feet hurt. We're all exhausted. It's a long drive home on dark and windy roads because we get lost. Rain had threatened all day and now we see lightening bolts pierce the black sky. At the moment we walk through the door of our house, the rain comes down hard.

Wedding weekend, Part 3

Lana Bella

Nick and Kelsey

Mattie, Liana, and Lana

Arielle and Mattie

Damien, Gretchen, and Liana

Stacia and Dominic

Marissa and Paul

Anthony and Kim

Lana and Jonathan

Wedding weekend, Part 2

What is it about a wedding that draws out our emotions? Our family wedding was probably nothing special in the eyes of an outsider. Just another family going through the motions that our culture has adopted. But for us, it was a tender time of reflection. We had tears, we had laughter, we had reflection on the past along with regrets, we had gratitude for the present and great hope for the future.

The night before there was no rehearsal dinner and all that business. This was a simple wedding. Jon and Chrissy had their own tasks to take care of and they had to meet with the pastor one last time to finalize the ceremony. Then the hall had to be decorated. By the time we got there to do it, it was 9:00! How hard could it be, I thought. Chrissy had several boxes of things to hang and put out on the tables. Arielle, Stacia and I started to work on the tables. Jon got a ladder and began hanging streamers. It proved to be more difficult than anticipated. Then there were paper lanterns to attach to the ceiling and Jon had to move the big ladder to a new spot for each one. We finished up about midnight, all of us exhausted.

On Saturday morning, a few hours before the ceremony, our house was a happenin' place! My son Dominic and his fiancee were house guests, coming from out-of-state for the wedding. They always bring a special joy on their arrival anyway. No special occasion is necessary for that. But this day our house became the hair and nail salon and preparation place for the bride to get ready to meet her groom.

Nail polish remover and nail polish fumes filled the air. Our kitchen counter was loaded with bobby pins, combs, brushes, artificial flowers and hair spray. Snacks and meals were hastily microwaved. We all cleaned ourselves up and made up and waited...for the bride. She was supposed to be getting her make-up done at a store in the mall. Where was she? We were all busy getting ready, but I was starting to worry. Finally I called the store and asked if she was still there. No one ever heard of her! What??? I was still on the phone when Chrissy arrived.

Marissa hastily got her seated and began work on her hair. We only had about an hour until the ceremony! The rest of us made our final preparations and we got Lana, the flower girl, ready. I was nervously watching the clock. Chrissy still had to get dressed! We rushed her into Arielle's bedroom so she could get into her dress. Marissa attached the veil to her beautiful hair. We ran out the door, the bride climbing into our minivan. I see the comedy in it now, but did not at the moment. The rings! The shoes! Did we have everything?

We dropped Chrissy and Lana off at a side door and went inside the church. All eyes turned around to us. We were late. Damien in his blue shirt greeted us. My handsome son was perfect in his role. Gretchen looked so elegant and professional, ready to take pictures. Dominic looked like a real videographer. We were going to pull this off!

Little Lana came in wearing a lovely wreath of red roses in her blonde hair. Usually so shy, she tossed her petals and smiled at all the people. Then Chrissy came down the aisle with her dad. Her big moment! All of us married women immediately think back on our own weddings, when we took this trip down the aisle. Chrissy was stunning in her strapless gown. Jon waited for her, his blue eyes glowing, his face serious and determined. My son who has been through so much. I was touched hearing his vows. He is such an honest, sincere man. He means every word.

The ceremony is over and we all go outside. All eyes are on the new married couple. Lana has already removed her rose wreath and she is dancing around. Bubbles fill the air, cameras flash from the crowd. Now to more practical matters. The food. Helen leaves to pick it up. I request our family photo be taken first so we can leave to set up. Off to the reception.

More later...

Wedding weekend, Part 1

My son Jonathan got married! My youngest son, my baby boy. It's hard to believe, but I was there and saw it with my own eyes.

It was a family wedding, a low-budget affair, but I'm convinced this kind can be just as meaningful as a lavish event. Since money was an issue, family members volunteered their special talents and time. I am amazed by our gifted family! Dominic videotapes interviews for his job, so he offered his services as the videographer for the wedding. Gretchen, my son Damien's girlfriend, is an amateur photographer, but she is very talented, and she has professional equipment. So she took the official pictures. Arielle took over my camera and also took pictures all night. Marissa is a hair stylist and she offered to do our hair. She worked for hours on us, after working at her real job all morning. A friend from work, his brother a DJ with all the needed tools, offered to play the music and make all the announcements. His payment--a game system that Jon promised him.

I had originally offered to prepare food for the reception. I was thinking of how Fred and I cook at church every Tuesday night for Alpha. We know how to cook for a crowd. But we also have access to a professional kitchen and large size bowls and pans. And a refrigerator and warmer. What was I thinking? Maybe I could pull it off if I didn't also need to attend the wedding! So I was thinking it through and realized it was nearly impossible to do. Panicking, I thought of my friend Helen. She is a professional in the food service business. Maybe she could tell me how to logistically pull this off.

When I explained my dilemma, Helen immediately said, "I'll do it." No hesitation, she just offered her expertise and experience and equipment. Then I told her our ability to pay. It wasn't much. Fred and I didn't have much to contribute. My son Dominic had matched our donation, so we had double it, but still, it wasn't much. Helen acted like money was not an issue.

A scripture comes to mind here: "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24. I think I can paraphrase without compromising God's word. "There is a friend who sticks closer than a sister." I am certainly not judging my own sister who lives out-of-state. But God has given us good friends who become family. What a blessing that is! Helen has always been like family. She is at every family event of ours, as we are with her and her children. Our girls have grown up together. She is one I know I can call upon for anything. What a feeling of security that is. But I never intended for Helen to actually prepare and serve all the food! At the time I asked her, I just needed advice.

So Helen arranged preparation of the food, picked it up, set it up, served it, cleaned it up, and took all the supplies back to her kitchen. It was a monumental task. Her response to all this, "It's what families do." Helen, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, for being part of our family.

Other people contributed greatly in making this a wonderful event. Kim, Fred's son Anthony's wife, and Gretchen helped Chrissy with her dress buying and Kim even returned with her when she had to be fitted for the alteration. Kim and Kristina, my son Nick's girlfriend, provided food for the wedding shower we gave so we could meet Chrissy's extended family. Stacia, my son Dominic's fiancee, went over to the hall with Arielle and me the night before to help decorate. It was a tedious long affair, but she provided advice and worked tirelessly. Dominic stayed after the reception to clean-up. Fred provided limo service for the bride and flower girl. He also let Jon borrow his GPS so Jon and Chrissy could find their way to their two-day honeymoon at the beach.

Damien was an usher. He dressed the part too. Very stylish in his beautiful blue shirt. He lent an air of sophistication to the ceremony at the tiny country church. My oldest son, Nick, was the life of the party. Always the dancer, he taught the kids the typical wedding dances. Lana, Liana, and Mattie, Kristina's daughter, provided the "cute" factor. They danced the night away. I kept looking at Liana on the dance floor thinking, who is this child? I never knew she would enjoy herself so much. As my mother says, "She was a dancin' fool."

Chrissy's dad provided the reception hall and we are all grateful to him. He came up to me at the end of the evening and thanked me for the food. Helen had already gone, so I wish he could have told her directly. I thanked him for his contribution. He said, "We all do what we can do." And everyone did. It was a beautiful, simple wedding. That's all it needed to be.

More details on the wedding to come.

Francesca the firefly

Lana is staying with us for two days. She loves coming here, not because she has a wonderful grandmother, but because of Arielle and Liana. Arielle watches over her and nurtures and comforts her, and Liana is her playmate.

I had the best grandmother in the world. She had no children to entertain me, but her home was a safe haven of peace in my turbulent childhood. And she loved me. It's a simple as that. That was all I really needed from her. In the big picture of a lifetime, my moments with her were brief, but my memories are precious. I've many times tried to conjure up all the images and feelings I remember before the years blur and fade them away.

I want Lana to remember me, Fred, Arielle and Liana this way. We see Lana way more often than I saw my grandmother, so Lana's life will be full of events and activities with us. What special moments will she collect to think back on when she's an old woman? I hope she will know she was loved.

When Lana first arrived yesterday, she and Liana played Polly Pockets for hours. The two of them are inseparable and it's hard to get them involved in anything besides their imaginative play. But late in the afternoon Fred suggested a walk in a park not far from here and everyone was agreeable. The girls were all very tired from the wedding the night before (more on that later) but they enjoyed deer watching. I'm sure Lana will always remember her Aunt Arielle carrying her piggyback when she was so weary she couldn't take another step.

After dinner and ice cream on the deck, the girls got jars for collecting fireflies. Even though it wasn't very dark, the girls easily caught several. Liana named her firefly Francesca and she searched the yard for a tidbit of flower and leaf that Francesca might enjoy. Lana was sidetracked by a robin eggshell she found in the yard and wanted me to preserve it for her to take home. When it was time to come inside for baths, the girls opened their jars and the fireflies gracefully ascended into the sky. These childhood moments are captured for such a short time. We can't hold on to them. Night inevitably falls and we release them, gone forever except in our memories. Good-bye, Francesa and all your friends.

A blessing

I wrote before about a teacher I had at church years ago. (Search blog: A living example). I greatly admired this woman because, simply, she lives her faith. Eventually she moved to a mission field in an Arab country where she has been for several years. She is home this summer teaching a 4-week class on spiritual warfare. I really didn't want to add something else to my schedule but I knew I would learn a lot from this wise woman.

Last week we spent two hours in the scriptures with L. supplementing our study with stories from her own experience. She teaches women in her country on the other side of the world, an intriguing and kind of frightening place (to me).

During a break, L. came over to my table and asked me if I remembered some character studies we had used in a previous class. Years ago I had written a series of studies on people from the Bible. They were in-depth analysis of the character's lives and how their life lessons apply to ours. I had forgotten all about them. These studies were used in the context of a curriculum called the Wise Women series that another woman at church was writing. L. told me she uses the character studies with the women she is teaching now. She said the women love them. What a blessing this was to me! To think that work I did so long ago was ministering to other women so far away. I think back on that time of serious Bible research and hours and hours of writing every week. It combined two of my loves, Bible study and writing. During that time this blog came about and my early posts reflects some of the lessons I learned then.

I am glad I went to the class. I knew I would get good teaching, but I also unexpectantly got a blessing. The week after L. had the class look at the book of Nehemiah as another lesson on spiritual warfare. On a personal level, I see it as a caution and an encouragement in homeschooling as we gear up for a new year. I decided to do a deeper study of this book and will probably write about it on my homeschooling blog. www.livingstoneshomeschool.blogspot.com

List for today

My son Jonathan is getting married Saturday. It has been a busy week preparing for the big event. One of my other sons, along with his fiancee, are coming Friday night to stay with us, so there is house cleaning and meals to think about. Liana is taking several science classes at the library, so we need to go there every day, plus there is the usual: prescriptions to pick up, family birthdays, laundry, cooking, the garden, the endless daily chores. So this morning during my quiet time, I was making a list of tasks to accomplish over the next few days. Then I read Ephesians 4. Here I found God's list. And it's not just a list for today, but for everyday:

Speak the truth
Don't let the sun go down on your anger
Do honest work with your hands
Share with others in need
Build up others and give grace with your words
Don't grieve the Holy Spirit
Get rid of all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, malice
Be kind to one another
Be tenderhearted
Forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you

It's a tall order. Maybe I can check off one today?

Glorious 4th, Part 2

"The earth has yielded its produce. God our God blesses us." Psalm 67:6.

Knee-high by the 4th of July? Our corn is doing a little better than that! Over the weekend we had quite a harvest of vegetables. Green beans and beets, cucumbers and romaine lettuce. The corn is just beginning to tassle. The rainy month of June was good for this garden. In the middle of all this lush greenery, my little cactus, quite the outsider in the Northeast, makes a bright showing this year.

The girls are relaxing in front of the TV after their 10-mile bike ride and I write this by hand on the deck so I can be outside with Fred while he's grilling. He pours us both a glass of blackberry wine and we are at peace at the close of this beautiful weekend. The birds are making a racket behind our hedges at the edge of the woods. A female jay watches me pour some sunflower seeds in the feeder and she waits for us to leave so she can enjoy them. The baby groundhog quadruplets are foraging in the grass. The sun drops early behind the trees making it seems later than it is. We love our little secluded refuge just beyond the bustle of the town.

Glorious 4th

Once more we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day was sunny, breezy, and cool! So unusual for this time of year. We decided to ride bikes on one of the many trails that follow the creeks and rivers in our area. We've waited for this day for a long time, a day when the girls became competent bike riders and won't endanger themselves or others while they are riding. The first part of the trail took us through a park filled with memories. In my mind I see my little boys and me making crafts on that table there and shooting arrows at targets near that grove of trees. We attended a Cub Scout day camp here many years ago. Who would have guessed then that my daughter would celebrate her Happy Adoption Day party here so far into the future. Arielle has an excellent memory and said to me as we rode by, "I was here with Jon!" That was what she remembered of that day, being here with her big brother who carried her in his arms to see some African dancers who were performing.

We cross the park, the path slicing through fields of tall orange and yellow wildflowers. Lots of people are here today but they are quiet and we hear little conversation. The only sounds are the birds and the whirring of bicycles as they zip by us. Occasionally small animals make crackly noises as they rustle in the brush. The waterway comes in and out of view. I'm having trouble keeping on the path because I am overwhelmed with the beauty of the scenery and I want to see it all. I almost fall off my bike when a tiny bright goldfinch flies right in front of me. We ride through a goose crossing and stop for a picture.

It's a strange feeling to be following a river instead of a road. We know approximately where we are but we try to reconcile these sights with the maps in our heads. We see glimpses of the river between the trees of the thick woods and I was amazed to see the confluence of our small creek with the much larger river.

My hot pink boardwalk cruiser serves me well. I've written before about this bike so perfect it's like it was built just for me. No handbreaks, no speeds, it's big and wide and sturdy and its flashy pink color certainly stands out in a crowd. Some wise guy on the trail smirked, "Nice bike" as he rode by. But I don't care. I feel like I could ride forever on my bike and never get tired.

This was so much fun we decide to do it all again the next day! This time we ride about ten miles into a national park. We had to travel through hot sun parallel to the highway for a short piece but it was well worth it when we entered the shady forest, cool and dark, where the trees interlace their branches across the path making a canopy for us to pass under. The girls ride well and I am delighted we've found the perfect family outing.

In the evening of the 4th, a good friend and her daughters come over for dinner and later we go the the local park to see the fireworks. It seems the whole town is there, blankets spread out across the grassy fields. My friend bought the girls glow sticks that they make into necklaces and halos while we wait for darkness to descend. Before it comes, God provides a spectacular sunset, orange and blue stripes that melt to fiery red. No man-made sky show can top that. I forgot to bring my camera!

A band plays music from the 70's, the musicians in pastel suits with their synchronized moves bring back memories. My friend and I are tempted to get up and do a little disco but the girls were horrified enough that we would even sing along with the music, much less dance. The band concludes with the Star-Spangled Banner and we all rise and sing out into the night.

The fireworks are the same as always, colorful bursts of fire that built to a finale that lights up the heavens. But the sameness is what makes this night special. Once more, we are together with friends. Once more my neck hurts from looking up and once more a small daughter is nestled in my lap. Once more we walk back down the dark path to find our cars with hundreds of our neighbors right alongside of us, parents holding tight to little hands. I'm thankful for all the "once mores." I'm thankful for this glorious weekend.

Racial radar

I totally support our church children's camp, but I sort of got off on the wrong foot the first morning. A friend of mine was in charge of the snack each day and she gathered us helpers, three other women and me, to tell us her plan for setting up the food and coordinating each camper group that would be arriving. She needed to do something to settle the kids down before they ate. She said she would start with a song, and she suggested, "Jesus Loves the Little Children."

I immediately said, "I don't like that song." Everyone turned to me, incredulous. "Why not?!" The song has a great message. Jesus surely does love all the children of the world and they are truly precious in his sight. But I answered, "Because children are not red and yellow, black and white."

One woman said, "My husband said that song is not politically correct." Politically? I don't care about that. I think the words to the song are racially insensitive. My beautiful daughters are certainly not "yellow" and my Cherokee family members are not "red" by any stretch of the imagination. All the people of the world are lovely shades of brown! Without a word my friend went in to meet the campers and sang a different song.

Having children of a different race has opened my eyes to our culture's biases and stereotypes. My radar zeroes in on them. What do you think? Am I being too sensitive?

Long week

The past week the girls and I have been at the preschool camp at our church. Arielle was a junior counselor, Liana was in the camp for the children of the workers, my granddaughter Lana attended the camp, and I served snacks to about 150 kids each day. We've been involved with this camp for years and years. I've taken my older two grandchildren, and my girls have gone since they were tiny. I was a counselor for many years but being a snack lady suits me just fine now.

This camp is the ultimate VBS. There is not single kid in the universe who wouldn't like it. It's well-supervised--one adult and junior helper to five children. This little group travels around during the morning from one activity to another, indoors and out. The children go to crafts, games, music, nature, snacks and then...best of all, they see the skit Granny Bear and her crew have concocted. Granny Bear is an older woman who has served in the children's ministry for many years at our church. She's the best. Each summer for two weeks (there are two weeks of this camp) she dons a bear costume, recruits other "bear" actors, and writes a skit that is appealing to small children and hilarious even to adults. Her well-written storylines also teach great Biblical truths.

Anyway, since we left home early each morning, I had no time for writing and no time for my quiet time and Bible reading that gets me off to a good start each day. On top of that, I had the after effects of some virus I had last weekend. (No, I wasn't contagious.) So I was totally wiped out every day when we got home. I look forward to getting back into the routine next week.

QUESTION! I plan to continue the dares with my husband and with my daughters. But unless someone tells me they are following along, I will not write them in here anymore. So please let me know! Do you want me to post the dares??

Kids and conflict

As I wrote out the dare for marriages, I kept thinking of my two daughters. They have conflict, as all siblings do. But how do they fight? Do they fight fair? Isn't their relationship the training ground for marriage? The guidelines I set and enforce (or don't set) when they are quarreling might set the stage later in life for how they get along with their husbands and whether they can sustain a marriage.

From my older boys I've learned how much name-calling hurts. Those names stick with a child throughout life. Even with one of my girls, when she tells me the other called her a name, she says it with tears. Name-calling is devastating. I do not allow it, but it can go on in a sneaky way even if we don't hear it. As moms, do we allow our children to shout at each other? Do we allow them to say hurtful words like "I hate you"? Do they bring up issues that happened two years ago? Do we judge fairly when we're put in the middle of the conflict? There are times we need to let them settle things on their own, but also times when a parent needs to step in.

My girls are not allowed to hit or touch each other in any physical way when fighting. This was never a problem for Arielle. She is a very gentle child and was horrified the first time another child struck her. And she did not retaliate. I don't think it is in her nature. But Liana was different. At a year old she was a fighter and still needs to be reminded not to strike out in that way. It is a terrible thing when marriage partners resort to physically hurting each other.

Failure should not be an option for siblings. I remind my girls continually that friends come and go, but your sister is your friend forever. Siblings are the longest lasting of human relationships. When I hear of adults who can't get along with their siblings, it is very sad. Sometimes I think I only get along well with my siblings because they are out-of-state. I wonder how it would be if I saw them on a regular basis. My four sons are each so different. One of them said to me once, "If he wasn't my brother, I wouldn't be friends with him." But they are brothers and they are friends. They've become closer the older they get. I so much want that for my girls.

It's a great joy when our children love and respect each other. "Behold, how good and how pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity." Psalm 133:1.

Dare 13

Dare 13: Love fights fair. Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. The forced closeness of marriage strips away your public facades, exposing your private problems and secret habits. Welcome to fallen humanity. Every couple goes through it. It's par for the course. But not every couple survives it. This dare is about dealing with confict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side. Both of you. Together.

The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions.

But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your husband is more important than whatever you're fighting about. Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a much deeper connection afterwards. But how? The wisest way is to learn to fight clean by establishing healthy rules of engagement. If you don't have guidelines for how you'll approach hot topics, you won't stay in bounds when the action heats up.

Rules you and your husband might agree on beforehand:

1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a time-out if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry with one another.
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.

(One Fred and I have: we will not call each other names.)

Rules you might set for yourself:

1. I will listen first before speaking.
2. I will deal with my own issues up front and consider how I might be wrong.
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down.

(One I have: I will not jump to conclusions before I know the facts.)

Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for.

The Dare: Talk with your husband about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If he is not rady for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. James 1:19.

What unspoken rules do you have?

Dare 12

Dare 12: Love lets the other win. If you were asked to name areas where you and your husband disagree, you'd likely be able to do it without thinking very hard. And sadly, unless someone at your house starts doing some giving in, these same issues are going to keep popping up. Defending your rights and opinions is a foundational part of your nature and make-up. It's detrimental, though, inside a marriage relationship, and it steals away time and productivity. It can also cause great frustration for both of you. Granted, being stubborn is not always bad. Some things are worth standing up for and protecting. Our priorities, morals, and obedience to God should be guarded with great effort. But too often we debate over piddling things. Other times, the stakes are much higher.

Though these issues may not crop up every day, they keep resurfacing and don't really go away. You never seem to get any closer to resolution or compromise. The heels just keep digging in. There's only one way to get beyond stalemates like these, and that's by finding a word that's the opposite of stubbornness. That word is willing. It's an attitude and spirit of cooperation that should permeate our conversations. And the one best example of it is Jesus Christ.

As God, He had every right to refuse becoming a man but yielded and did--because He was willing. He had the right to be served by all mankind but came to serve instead. He had the right to live in peace and safety but willingly laid down His life for our sins. He was even willing to endure the grueling torture of the cross. He loved, He cooperated, and was willing to do His Father's will instead of His own. "Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:5. The attitude of willingness, flexibility, and humble submission. It means laying down for the good of others what you have the right to claim for yourself.

The very moment one of you says, "I'm willing to go your way on this one," the argument will be over. And though the follow-through may cost you some pride and discomfort, you have made a loving, lasting investment in your marriage. That's not to say your husband is necessarily right or being wise about a matter, but you are choosing to give strong consideration to his preference as a way of valuing him.

The Dare: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your husband. Tell him you are putting his preference first.

Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:4.

A little girl's dream

"I want to be a teacher when I grow up." That's all I ever remember saying about my future goals when I was a child. I loved learning and thought everyone else did too. My little brothers and sister were my students and I would give them "work" to do, although they were not always enthusiastic about doing it.

In college I was distracted pursuing other interests and gave up my dream. Then came children (three), and then financial difficulties that led me to nursing school. My dad always told me I was useless and would never amount to anything, so it was "Here's to you, Dad!" as I graduated at the top of my class. And I felt very useful when I worked at the hospital. But another baby came along and I left nursing to be just a mom at home. My years with my little boys on the windy plains of Oklahoma were among the best of my life.

Later the need to support myself again brought me back to school. A difficult marriage made me once again feel useless and stupid. I went to chiropractic school and graduated at the top of my class. "Here's to all of you negative voices from my past!" The boys were older now and I became Miss Career Woman. I admire women who have careers, but for me, I felt I was just pretending, and I wasn't entirely comfortable in that role. Then tiny Chinese faces from the other side of the world tore at my heart.

Never was my desire so great or my focus more intense than when I worked to bring my girls home. This was my true calling--to be a mother to my children. Nothing else ever fulfilled or satisfied. When I was a little girl and wanted to be a teacher, I never thought I would be teaching a class of two. That might not seem like much, but it is enough. I have all I ever wanted, and I have nothing else to prove.

My dream is not yours. So what is yours? Are you living it? Fulfill your calling whatever it may be at this time in your life. God never gives us the whole picture--a panoramic view of our entire lives. We have just enough light to illuminate the next step. So take that step and then you'll see the one after it.

So is this the end for me? I've finally found my place in the world and we all live happily ever after? I'll never presume that. I might be driven back into the workforce again someday. But for now, in this season of my life, I'm right where God wants me. It's the only place to find peace.

I hope I can one day pray as Jesus did, "I have brought You glory on earth by completing the work You gave me to do." John 17:4.

Dare 11

Dare 11: Love cherishes. Marriage is a beautiful mystery created by God, joining two lives together as one. This not only happens physically but spiritually and emotionally. When your spouse goes through a tragedy, both of you feel it. When you find success at your job, both of you rejoice. But somewhere along the way, you experience disappointment, and the sobering reality that you married an imperfect person sets in. This, however, does not change the fact that your husband is still a part of you. You must treat him with the same nurture and care that you treat yourself. When you show love to your husband, you are showing love to yourself.

When you mistreat your husband, you are also mistreating yourself. Your lives are interwoven together. Your husband cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you. So when you attack your husband, it is like attacking your own body.

Your husband needs to be loved and cherished. If he has issues causing pain and frustration, then you should care for these with the same love and tenderness you would a bodily injury. If he is wounded in some way, you should think of yourself as an instrument that helps bring healing to his life.

Don't let the culture around you determine the worth of your marriage. To compare it with something that can be discarded or replaced is to dishonor God's purpose for it. When you look at your husband, you're looking at a part of you. So treat him well. Speak highly of him. Nourish and cherish the love of your life.

The Dare: What need does your husband have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there a chore you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you." And do it with a smile.

A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery..." Ephesians 5:31.

Dare 10

Dare 10: Love is unconditional. If someone were to ask you, "Why do you love your husband?"--what would you say? Women would probably say something about their husband's good looks or personality. They'd commend him for his steadiness and consistent character. They'd say they love him because he's always there for them. He's generous. He's helpful.

But what if over the course of years, your husband stopping being every one of those things. Would you still love him? The only logical response would be no. If your reasons for loving your husband all have something to do with his qualities--and then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear--your basis for love is over.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love. This is God's kind of love. He doesn't love us because we are lovable but because He is so loving. If He insisted that we prove ourselves worthy of His love, we would fail miserably. But God's love is a choice. Unconditional love will not be swayed by time or circumstance.

The Dare: Do something out of the ordinary today for your husband--something that proves that your love is based on choice and nothing else. Do a chore for him or make his favorite dessert. Demonstrate love to him for the sheer joy of being his partner in marriage.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Corinthians 13:7.

Envious of Fred?

The Dares have given me lots to think about. I admit I have been envious of Fred at times--his charisma with people mostly. I think back on cooking for the Alpha course at church. We worked in the kitchen with some difficult people. I would usually just keep to myself and ignore them. Not Fred. He made the effort to talk and joke with them, listen to their tales. He accepted their quirks and helped them with their tasks. They, in turn, loved him. He was greeted with enthusiasm each week when we arrived. Me, they ignored.

People always like Fred more than me. When he was a chiropractor, his patients adored him. He had the busiest practice in town. They mourned his retirement. But really, Fred and I are not competitors. I am thankful he's the way he is and I'm glad he's my husband!

As for greetings, Fred and I excel at this. We have long established habits of good-byes in the morning and hellos when one of us returns home. I walk downstairs with him to send him off, and I'm available to go back and retrieve items he's forgotten to bring along. I wave at the window as he pulls out of the driveway. Corny and silly? Maybe. But it sets a good tone for the day.

During the day Fred continually calls me every chance he gets. When he's leaving one point to drive to another. When he's coming home. He asks if I need anything on the way. We always say good-bye with an "I love you." When he gets home, I make the effort to give a cheerful hello and a hug or kiss.

No matter what has transpired in our relationship during the day, we are civil to each other before the lights go out. If an apology is due, we give it. It doesn't mean every issue is resolved, maybe it's only a temporary cease-fire. But after a night's sleep, we will see things differently in the morning.

In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26.

Dare 9

Dare 9: Love makes good impressions. You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship from the way they greet one another. You can see it in their expression and countenance, as well as how they speak to each other. It is even more obvious by their physical contact. But how much importance should you give a greeting?

Jesus noted in his Sermon on the Mount that even pagans speak kindly to people they like. That's easy for anyone to do. But he took it a step further and said that being godly included being humble and gracious enough to address even your enemies with kindness. This raises an interesting question. How do you greet your friends, coworkers, and neighbors? How about acquaintances and those you meet in public? You may even encounter someone you don't necessarily like yet still acknowledge them out of courtesy. So if you're this nice and polite to other people, doesn't your husband deserve the same? Times ten?

It's probably something you don't think about very often--the first thing you say to him when you wake up in the morning, the look on your face when you get in the car, the energy in your voice when you speak on the telephone. But here's something else you probably don't stop to consider--the difference it would make in your husband's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see him.

The Dare: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your husband today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for him.

Greet one another with a kiss of love. I Peter 5:14.

Jealousy

My girls are having trouble with the dares because they fight all the time. It's very difficult for them to go a whole day and not say anything negative to each other. "You're a baby!" That statement alone can provoke tears and desire for retaliation.

Sibling rivalry at its core is pure jealousy. A first child is doted upon and has her parents' undivided attention. They only have eyes for her! Every word she speaks is profound and mom and dad praise her continually. Then sister #2 comes along. Parents tell the first child, "We love you so much we wanted to share that love with another child!" Huh?? What if your husband said the same to you? "I love you so much I want to bring another woman home so we can share the love around."

From the beginning I knew there would be trouble with my two girls. We received the long awaited picture of our new second daughter from China. Oh, the excitement! We made calls to everyone we knew. We scanned the photo and sent it out across the country via e-mail. We stared at the tiny image, admiring the adorable, plump baby who would soon be ours. Oh, the joy!

Three-year-old Arielle watched all this, momentarily out of the spotlight. "Your new sister!" we exclaimed. Who needs a sister? her expression told us. Then later, that object of our adoration disappeared! The picture was missing! The only tangible evidence of our new daughter was gone. We tore the house apart thinking we had misplaced it, knowing we would not have done that. We couldn't find it anywhere. Arielle! We kindly asked her if she "put it away" for us. Then, "Did you take it?" we demanded. No matter how much we cajoled her she did not respond. How could a little child fool us like this? Where could she have hidden the picture so that we could not find it?

Several days later the picture appeared. We never did know where Arielle had hidden it. But we know she did. Later on she would hide Liana's toys, toys maybe Arielle thought Liana didn't deserve, or maybe a toy Arielle herself wanted.

So going back to the discussion of legitimate vs. illegitimate jealousy, you would have to say Arielle's jealousy was legitimate. She thought the two people who loved her the most, who belonged to her, had turned their love to someone else. Her very own parents wanted another child. You can understand how she felt. Usually second (or third or fourth) children will not feel this extreme jealousy because they were never their parents' sole focus.

So how do we resolve this? When does a legitimate jealousy evolve into selfishness and quarreling? When is it time to "flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace? And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead he must be kind to everyone...not resentful." (II Timothy 2:23-24) We spend the rest of our lives assuring our children we love them equally but maybe because of personality or life experiences, some kids never lose jealous feelings. They need to. It will affect their future relationships with others.

We have the 4-H Fashion Revue coming up in a couple of weeks. For the first time, Liana, as well as Arielle, will model and be judged on an outfit they sewed. Ribbons are awarded and winners go on to compete in the regional show. They are not competing against each other, as they are in different age groups. But still, I anticipate hurt feelings.

I asked Arielle, "How will you feel if Liana wins and you don't?" She said, "I won't care. I won two years in a row."

I asked Liana, "How will you feel if Arielle wins and you don't?" She said, "I won't care. I just had fun making my outfit."

Life will be easier if no one wins. But if one of them does, will the other be mature enough, and does she love the other enough, to offer sincere congratulations to her sister? We'll see.

What were your experiences growing up with siblings? How do you handle sibling rivalry with your kids?

The power of words

To be honest, I didn't like the dare when we were supposed to make a list of our husband's negative traits. I think when you put thoughts into words, it gives them power. I even told this to my table group at church. They said, don't worry, you tear it up the next day. Even so, I didn't like this. It caused me to focus on the negative. And the negative was something that can't be changed anyway, so what was the point?

Scripture is clear about thoughts turning to words turning to actions. "Take every thought captive..." because that's where trouble starts. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." Next, you act on your words. Now think about that sequence in a positive light--you dwell on your husband's good qualities, you tell him how you feel, how proud you are of him, how glad you are that he is the man he is. You praise him for the good things he does. Then you naturally will want to do nice things for him to show your appreciation. This can only make your marriage better.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8.

Dare 8

Dare 8: Love is not jealous. Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man. There are actually two forms: a legitimate jealousy based upon love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy. Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his or her heart away and replaces you with someone else.

Illegitimate jealousy is in opposition to love--it is rooted in selfishness. This is to be jealous of someone, to be moved with envy. It is sparked when someone else upstages you and gets something you want. This can be very painful, depending upon how selfish you are. Instead of congratulating them, you fume in anger. If you're not careful, jealousy slithers like a viper into your heart and strikes your motivations and relationships. It can poison you from living the life of love God intended.

When you get married, you were given the role of becoming your spouse's biggest cheerleader. But if selfishness rules, any good thing happening to only one of you can be a catalyst for envy rather than congratulations.

It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart. It's time to let your husband's successes draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

The Dare: Determine to become your husband's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your husband and focus on his achievements, take your list of negative attributes and tear it in tiny pieces. Then share with your husband how glad you are about a success he recently enjoyed.

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice...What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. James 3:16, 4:1,2.

America's tower of Babel

“Having absorbed the world’s values, Christianity in our society is now dying. Subtly but surely worldliness and self-indulgence are eating away the heart of the church. The gospel we proclaim is so convoluted that it offers believing in Christ as nothing more than a means to contentment and prosperity. The offense of the cross has been systematically removed so that the message might be made more acceptable to unbelievers. The church somehow got the idea it could declare peace with the enemies of God.”- John MacArthur

I found this picture and quote on our pastor's blog. The message on Sunday was from Genesis 11, not a favorite passage for most people. "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves..." Gen. 11:4. He summed up what the tower meant--human pride, over-reaching, and self-deification.

We should never make a truce with the enemies of God: worldliness, self-indulgence, love of possessions and money, and a quest for a life of ease and comfort. Jesus said, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" Matthew 16:26.

Margins

What's not to love about this guy here? Fred brought in the fruits (vegetables) of his labor from our beautiful garden. These are the best radishes ever! Tender and crisp, not woody, not too hot.

This was a crazy week and my mind was not much on the Love Dares. I am re-focusing. Oh, how I need to add margins to my schedule! I overreact and get angry when I'm rushed or pressured with too much to do. It's good to figure out when and why we get angry. I procrastinate. Then, of course, I'm in a hurry to complete some task or I worry I will be late to the place I need to be. I also overreact when I think I "deserve" something that I didn't get. Usually that means time to myself.

On Memorial Day, with little planning beforehand, we decided to take the train into the city. My son and his fiancee were here for the weekend and the weather was too nice to stay inside all day. It was a fun, relaxing day. We were far enough away not to be on call for anyone, andwe took the train to eliminate the stress of traffic. The day became a field trip for the girls as we visited historical sites and then met up with good friends who live in the city. We all had lunch in Chinatown. Dim sum in a big, busy restaurant filled with mostly locals provided a lot of laughs as we sometimes didn't know exactly what we were eating. I'm a little rusty with the chopsticks when it comes to Chinese broccoli. Try grabbing those slippery greens, holding them with the chopsticks, and biting off a piece before it all falls back down on your plate.

Everyone wanted bubble tea and if you don't know what that is, you've got to try it! Kind of like a smoothie with black tapioca balls in the bottom of your glass. We walked and walked until we were that good kind of tired, a welcome fatigue. Tired of body but not of mind. We rode home in peace and mostly silence, everyone thinking back over the conversations and sights of the city.

I think there is good reason God gave us a Sabbath day. He knew we needed margin in our life. He knew we couldn't just keep going on and on without rest. Why don't we have days like this more often?

Dare 7

Dare 7: Love believes the best. In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room. It's where your thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse. And every so often, you enjoy visiting this special place. On the walls are written kind words and phrases describing the good attributes of your husband.

Down another darker corridor of your heart lies the Depreciation Room, and unfortunately, you visit there as well. On its walls are written the things that bother and irritate you about your spouse. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings, and the disappointment of unmet expectations. This room is lined with the weaknesses and failures of your husband...It's where ammunition is kept for the next big fight and bitterness is allowed to spread like a disease. People fall out of love here.

You may say, "But these things are true!" Yes, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room. Everyone fails and has areas that need growth. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and personal baggage. This is a sad aspect of being human.

Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknown with negative assumptions...You must develop the habit of reining in your negative thoughts and focusing on the positive attributes of your husband...It is a decision that you make, whether they deserve it or not.

The Dare: Get two sheets of paper. On the first, write out positive things about your husband. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. Pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your husband today for having this characteristic.

Love believes all things, hopes all things. I Corinthians 13:7

Dare 6

Dare 6: Love is not irritable. Love is hard to offend and quick to forgive. How easily do you get irritated and offended? When something goes wrong, some people quickly take full advantage of it by expressing how hurt or frustrated they are. But this is the opposite reaction to love. A loving husband will remain calm and patient, showing mercy and restraining his temper. A loving wife is not overly sensitive or cranky but exercises emotional self-control.

Why do people become irritable? There are at least two key reasons that contribute to it:

1. Stress. Stress weighs you down, drains your energy, weakens your health, and invites you to be cranky. It can be brought on by relational causes--arguing, division, and bitterness. There are excessive causes--overworking, overplaying, and overspending. And there are deficiencies--not getting enough rest, nutrition, or exercise. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. This means you must balance, prioritize, and pace yourself...You need time to recharge, refocus, and add breathing room or margin to your weekly schedule.

2. Selfishness. When you're irritable, the heart of the problem is primarily a problem of the heart... Being easily angered is an indicator that a hidden area of selfishness or insecurity is present. Selfishness also wears many other masks. Lust is the result of being ungrateful for what you have and choosing to covet or burn with passion for something that is forbidden. Or, bitterness takes root when you respond in a judgmental way and refuse to work out your anger. A bitter person's unresolved anger leaks out when she is provoked. Or, greed for more money and possessions will frustrate you with unfulfilled desires. Pride leads you to act harshly in order to protect your ego and reputation.

These motivations can never be satisfied. But when love enters your heart, it calms you down and inspires you to quit focusing on yourself. It loosens your grasp and helps you let go of unnecessary things.

The Dare: Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life. If you overreacted, what was your real motivation behind it?

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. Proverbs 16:32.

Problem with Dare 5

I told Fred to tell me three things I do that irritate him. He looked at me as if I was crazy. He's thinking I must want to start a fight! Then he said, "First tell me something I do." No, I'm not going there. I say this isn't about him, just that if I am doing something that irritates him, I want to stop. He goes outside to work in the garden while he thinks about it. I come outside and ask him but he says, "I'm not going to tell you now!"

Inside he still says nothing. I ask if he's thought about it. He says yes. He can only think of one thing. He says I too often let things interrupt the girls' schooling. People ask me to do things and I can't say no. So I agree to try not to let that happen anymore. I'm sure he is thinking of other things, but he won't say! This is because from past experience he knows I am so defensive. I had decided not to say a word, no matter what he told me. But it was a little scary thinking about what he might say. I give him credit. If something was on his mind, he decided it was not worth telling me about. He extended grace to me and he is allowing me to be flawed and is not trying to correct me.

Anyone else? Did this dare bother you?

Progress with the girls

Arielle and Liana are enjoying these dares! Maybe the trip to Walmart motivated them. I promised them a small, daily treat upon completion of each dare, a little bigger prize for 10 completed and a big prize at the end. So they are having fun with this. While some may think they are missing the purpose of this, I think it is great they are practicing kindness. Hopefully it will become a habit. They love each other but seem to have lost the ability to show it. I'm helping them find their way.

On Dare 2, Arielle made Liana's bed. Later in the day, Liana sneaked into Arielle's room and straightened up. These little tasks done by the other delighted them. For Dare 3 I did not ask them to buy something to give, but rather to give something they already had. I said it had to be thoughtful, something the other person would truly like. Liana gave Arielle half her Kit Kat bar and Arielle gave Liana a handful of polished stones. They both were happy.

Dare 4 required them to ask the other one how they were doing and did they need anything. They both politely asked. No problem with this one. I've had to remind them several times about the negative comments they make to each other though. They immediately stop their bickering! Oh, those Walmart prizes are calling to them!

There has been an unexpected consequence to all this: the girls have been more helpful to me! Maybe they just like the pleasant feelings that come when family members are cooperating and being kind to each other. They have actually done some things without being told. They have taken initiative! I guess that's what this project is all about--taking initiative to show love.

Dare 5

Dare 5: Love is not rude. Nothing irritates others as quickly as being rude. Rudeness is unnecessarily saying or doing things that are unpleasant for another person to be around. To be rude is to be unbecoming, embarrassing or irritating. In marriage this could be a foul mouth, poor table manners, or a habit of making sarcastic quips. No one enjoys being around a rude person.

Good manners express to your husband, "I value you enough to exercise some self-control around you. I want to be a person who's a pleasure to be with." When you allow love to change your behavior--even in the smallest ways--you restore an atmosphere of honor to your relationship. People who practice good etiquette tend to raise the respect level of the environment around them.

Here are three guiding principles when it comes to practicing etiquette in your marriage:
1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your husband the same way you want to be treated.
2. No double standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and friends.
3. Honor requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not do.

The Dare: Ask your spouse to tell you three (or one or two) things that cause him to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking him or justifying your behavior. This is from his perspective only.

"Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife." Proverbs 25:24.

A caution from me: When you ask this question you risk getting your feelings hurt or getting angry. Your husband won't be honest if he anticipates a fight. Or he might take advantage of the situation and give you a long list! Prepare yourself! Tell him you want to know behavior that irritates him that you can actually change, that would better your relationship. Then when he tells you, say nothing! Ponder and consider. The temptation would be to retaliate and say, "Well, you do this and that..." Or you might strongly desire to defend yourself and say he's wrong. But this is how he perceives it. So don't fuel a fight.

Friends who are doing these dares with children: My girls are making progress! Children don't have the entrenched behavior patterns that we do. We have had a pleasant week and Arielle and Liana are trying hard. I'll write more about that later.

Dare 4

Dare 4: Love is Thoughtful. When you first fell in love, being thoughtful came quite naturally. You spent hours deaming of what your loved one looked like, wondering what he was doing, rehearsing impressive things to say, then enjoying sweet memories of the time you spent together. You honestly confessed, "I can't stop thinking about you."

But for most couples, things begin to change after marriage...You drift into focusing on your job, your friends, your problems, your personal desires, yourself. After a while, you unintentionally begin to ignore the needs of your mate...If you don't learn to be thoughtful, you end up regretting missed opportunities to demonstrate love. Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy to a loving relationship.

A husband should listen to his wife and learn to be considerate of her unspoken messages. A wife should learn to communicate truthfully and not say one thing while meaning another. But too often you become angry and frustrated...The thoughtful nature of love teaches you to engage your mind before engaging your lips. Love thinks before speaking. It filters words through a grid of truth and kindness.

The Dare: Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he is doing and if there is anything you could do for him.

"How precious are your thoughts to me... How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand." Psalm 139:17, 18.

A gift to show love

Buy a gift for Fred that says I'm thinking of him? That one stumped me initially. Fred is not one for "stuff." I couldn't just walk around the mall and pick something up. Then I remembered he said something earlier about the new Walmart commercial advertising steaks. So I thought I would make a special trip out to get some. He would be surprised because I hate to shop at Walmart. Well, I never could find those steaks so I had to look for something else.

I thought of bakery goods but he is cutting back on fat in his diet. Then I found angel food cake! He loves that. I bought some of his favorite cereal and some coffee ice cream. I found some eucalyptus bath salts he likes and best of all, a big chunk of corned beef! I think he will know I am thinking of him.

He said tonight, "When's your next class? I said tomorrow. Jokingly he added, "You keep going to that class! I like this new wife!"

What did you buy your husband to fulfill Dare 3?

Dare 3

Day 3: Love is not selfish. We live in a world enamored with "self." If there were ever a word that basically means the opposite of love, it is selfishness. Almost every sinful action ever committed can be traced back to a selfish motive. It is a trait we hate in other people but justify in ourselves. Yet you cannot point out the many ways your spouse is selfish without admitting that you can be selfish too. Why do we have such low standards for ourselves but high expectations for our mate?

When a husband puts his interests, desires, and priorities in front of his wife, that's a sign of selfishness. When a wife constantly complains about the time and energy she spends meeting the needs of her husband, that's a sign of selfishness. Choosing to love your mate will cause you to say "no" to what you want so you can say "yes" to what they need.

Ask yourself these questions:

• Do I truly want what's best for my husband?
• Do I want him to feel loved by me?
• Does he believe I have his best interests in mind?
• Does he see me as looking out for myself first?

The Dare: Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

"Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourself." Phillipians 2:3.

Gifts today

"Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." I John 4:7.

I love when the iris bloom! They are extravagant in their colors and shape and bring me joy. I had another unexpected gift today. I was at the kitchen window talking with Fred on the phone when an Eastern Bluebird landed on our deck railing! I have never in my life seen one. Supposedly these birds were numerous in our area long ago but are now rare. I never hoped to see one! This bird was a female. I hope she has a nest nearby. We watched for her the rest of the day but didn't see her again.

I thought Arielle did pretty well with the first dare. But when I kissed her good-night she asked me to clarify what "negative words" are. She decided she had not fulfilled the task and will try again tomorrow. I am proud of her because she wants to be honest about it.

Love among siblings

Revelation: The love principles apply to all human relationships, not just between husband and wife. My girls were arguing and yelling at each other this morning, as usual. This behavior has been escalating and is simply not acceptable. So I presented the Love Dares to them. Before I could even explain the idea, they both said, "No! No!"

But we discussed the plan and I motivated them with daily rewards (as yet undetermined) for completion of the day's dare. Does that defeat the purpose of the plan? I don't think so. Not with kids. They need to get into good habits of responding to each other. They need to learn self-control when they are tempted to lash out. They need to learn to demonstrate love. Wouldn't these skills help them later in life with their own marriages? And maybe, just maybe, these two sisters will actually begin to love each other genuinely after they've practiced choosing to react to each other in a kind way.

So I gave them the first challenge not to say anything negative to each other for a whole day. I have my doubts. But with God, nothing is impossible!

So what about you? Have you done the first two dares? Are you ready for Dare #3? Hint: you may have to go out shopping today.

Kindness to Fred

Day 2 was fairly easy for me because Fred and I were separated all day. He had real estate business and I was home with the girls. So I didn't have to worry about saying anything negative. But I kept thinking of what act of kindness I could do for him. The book said to do something "unexpected." I did make him a nice dinner, a huge hunk of beef and his favorite macaroni salad. But that is pretty much expected. It was getting late and then I knew what to do. And I resisted!

I love ending the day by reading. I have little time to read during the day and so I read novels at night. Not that there is much time to read at night either, but I do read fast. So while I was taking a shower and anticipating my book, I realized I couldn't cheat and call making dinner my act of kindness. Fred would enjoy a massage. But I am so tired, I argued. But it would be very kind to do! So I made the choice to give my time to him. He was in shock when I asked if he wanted a massage, but eagerly offered his back!

Okay, girls, share what you have done these past couple of days! (Being sensitive, of course. One rule we have in class is, don't say anything you couldn't say if your husband was sitting right next to you.) If you'd like to brag on your guy, share the 5 characteristics you admire most about him!

Dare 2

Dare 2: Love is Kind. "Kindness is love in action. If patience is how love reacts in order to minimize a negative circumstance, kindness is how love acts to maximize a positive circumstance. Patience avoids a problem; kindness creates a blessing. One is preventative, the other proactive. Let's break kindness down into four basic core ingredients: 1) Gentleness. When you're operating from kindness, you're careful how you treat your spouse, never being unnecessarily harsh...You speak the truth in love." 2) Helpfulness. Being kind means you meet the needs of the moment. If it's housework, you get busy. A listening ear? You give it. 3) Willingness. Kindness inspires you to be agreeable. Instead of being obstinate, reluctant, or stubborn, you cooperate, you stay flexible." 4) Initiative. Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn't sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first."

The Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness."

The scripture for today: "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Ephesians 4:32.