Teachable

I've learned that if you receive a word more than once, pay attention. God is trying to tell you something. I had two e-mails this morning with the exact same passage of scripture from Psalm 25. I get the message: I am to be more humble and teachable.

"Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.
Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, for they have been from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; according to your steadfast love remember me, for the sake of your goodness, O Lord!
Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way. He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble his way. All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies."

Our school days go much better when my daughters have a teachable attitude. It is difficult when they think they know it all and don't need instruction. (Do I do that with God?) We have an especially delightful day when they are eager to learn and excited about the lessons. (How excited am I to read God's word and learn from him?)

Today I will set my opinions and arrogant attitudes aside and I will listen to what others may teach me.

Snow and More Snow

As much as I don't like snow, we had fun yesterday. Fred came home from plowing and the girls and I made snowmen after shoveling the deck. The snow was perfect for rolling balls and the temperature outside was not so cold. At the end we had to hurry because rain was coming. Rain after a snowstorm. Very odd. But then the weather this whole winter has been strange.

In the evening we heard thunder and the blizzard came in. We watched out the window and we were amazed by how light it was outside. Where was the light coming from? I checked the calendar--no, it was not a full moon. But the whole yard was lit up. I tried to get a picture of that, but the snow was coming down so hard that I couldn't capture it.

My son Dominic mentioned he hoped for snow in D.C.. Well, he got it! The whole Northeast got hit last night. I heard on the news this morning that we have around 18 inches to shovel today. I'm tired thinking about it. But the sun has risen brilliantly from the shadow of clouds and I heard a woodpecker searching for his food. God is still on his throne. I thank him that I am strong and healthy and able to shovel snow.

Horrific Anniversary

Todd Pruitt has been on a rampage this week with the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. He is not afraid to stand up and say exactly how he feels about it He has posted numerous articles on his blog. http://www.toddpruitt.blogspot.com/. In our own town, an abortionist has been arrested and his house of horrors shut down, so this topic is in everyone's mind around our area.

I usually stay away from politics and controversial issues on this blog. I'm just an ordinary mom with ordinary kids, living an ordinary life. I love God and his Word and try to do what's right each day, usually UNsuccessfully. I daily contemplate and wrestle with cultural issues and how it conflicts with spiritual things. I'm sure all my friends and family know where I stand on abortion. If you disagree, I will gladly discuss it with you. I truly did not come by my opinion mindlessly or blindly by parroting views of white evangelical Republican men.

I have looked at all sides. I know what it is like to be poor raising children without any help. I've been there. There are so many "hard" cases. As a young woman I went with a classmate to an abortion clinic to be with her as she carried out her choice. It was a nice, modern clinic, but as she was in the back with the medical personnel, I had such a sense of darkness and evil that I wanted to flee. As I looked around at the women waiting, I had visions of Jews lined up for the gas chamber. For whatever reason, my friend did not follow through and we left. It was the last time I supported the "right to choose."

I've seen the pain of infertile couples yearning for a baby, with no babies to be had. One woman I know had an abortion when she was young. Later on, after she married, it was discovered she could not have any more children. I remember her guilt, shame, and remorse over her past decision. And then her struggle to adopt here in America. Not enough babies for all the couples who want them. In our own family, I see the outcome of women who chose life and the indescribable joy these children have brought us.

Many years ago I worked in the delivery room at an inner-city hospital and assisted with many births. I saw babies born to teenagers and drug-addicted mothers. Hard cases. Would it be better to not be born at all than to be subjected to poverty and abuse later on? But we fall into a trap if we carry that line of thinking into other problems in life.

Once I picketed an abortion clinic and watched people I know be hauled off to jail. I' saw the anger and ugliness of both sides. This doesn't seem to accomplish anything.

One time I took my youngest son to an optometrist in a poor section of town. I forget why we were at that particular place. I was in the waiting room and a pregnant woman sat beside me. She saw my girls--they were little then--and we started a conversation. She realized she could not care for her unborn baby and she was looking into adoption. She was working through an agency and was in the process of choosing a family for her child. She hinted that maybe I would want the baby. Maybe she saw that race did not matter in our family. I would gladly have added another color to the rainbow of people in our big extended family, but at the time, Liana was still a baby and I knew this wasn't the right decision for us then. I've thought about that woman so many times since. Hopefully she was encouraged that her baby would be loved by its new family after she saw my happy little girls.

At that same hospital where I worked, my views were cemented firmly in place when I was assigned to care for a baby boy born without part of his brain. He had no chance of survival. Nurses were supposed to monitor him and wait for him to die. I believe that was my hardest day of life on this planet. A doctor came into the room and joked how he would like to put a pillow over the baby and smother him. He even picked up a pillow and demonstrated. Despite this baby's deformities, he was still a human being. He was denied food and cried pitifully. I spent the day in tears, stroking his small limbs and talking to him. He suffered for 6 days before he died. This passage of scripture that Jesus spoke came alive for me:

For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me. Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’ (Matthew 25:35-40)

The LEAST of these. Is anyone more helpless than an unborn baby? Poor women are also victims and often helpless too. Followers of Jesus must reach out with compassion to those who are hurting, whoever they may be. There has to be a better way.

Morning Gifts

Fred's new job has totally changed our household schedule. We get up very early. For the most part I relish the solitude and total quiet of the early morning. It is worth losing a little sleep to have this time. Recently, I was delighted to look out my windows and see beauty I would have missed if I was asleep. In the western sky at dawn, the moon was setting. My photos are not the best, but you can see the little glowing light above my neighbor's shed. On another morning, I opened the drapes downstairs and was struck by a rising sun setting the sky on fire out the eastern window. It was absolutely spectacular, but I just couldn't capture it well on camera. We have snow on the ground, but I put on my boots and bundled up and ran out to get a picture. Then as the sun rose higher, the sky was even more beautiful and larger in scope. I considered gearing up again to go outside for another shot, but figured it wouldn't turn out. Some things are best just enjoyed rather than captured on film.

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January is half over. We are back in the full swing of things and that makes time fly. Liana has to take the California Achievement Test on Friday, so our school days have been full as I try to prepare her. Public school kids are required to take so many more tests and I'm sure they are better test-takers just because they get more practice. Liana knows her stuff but she is not accustomed to being timed or working in a large classroom with other children.

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Every weekend from now until June will be filled with sewing at 4-H. It's been a nice break (for me) but the girls are anxious and motivated to sew again. Alpha is starting again tomorrow night and once again Fred and I are cooking for another session. I let it be known this is my last time. A lesson I learned (or rather didn't learn) a long time ago is that you are given the time you need to do what God has called you to do. If you "don't have time" then you are probably doing things God did not call you to do. So I need to make some cuts.

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Today is a holiday, but my poor girls are hitting the books. I was criticized by a postal worker last year for making my children do school work on MLK Day. She would probably really be offended if she knew I let them have a day off from school on their own birthdays. Please don't misinterpret. We respect Dr. King and have studied his legacy. But I will set my own school schedule with my own children.

No More Toys?

Before Christmas I wrote that it was sad the girls don't like toys anymore. That is not entirely true! Liana and her friend Julia have lately been making their own paperdolls and designing clothes for them. They do this for hours...and hours. I love listening to their conversations about their paper families. And thankfully, they still love Build-A-Bears! Right now they are planning a wedding ceremony for the boy and girl dogs they have. I noticed these couples already had dog children. They told me that the dogs had married in the courthouse before having children, but now they are going to have a wedding for guests to attend. I'm invited.

With all the little ones coming to our house for the holiday, Arielle took the time to get out all her old Barbies, dressed them, and combed their hair, and then set up a Barbie town in her room. Yes, she did it for her nieces, but I don't think she will deny that she had a little bit of fun playing with the old toys.

The week before New Year's is a special time for the girls and their dad. Even with suffering from bronchitis the whole week, Fred still made it fun for them. They got out all the old Lincoln Logs and spent an afternoon in front of the fire building. Another day they got out all their old Play-Dough toys and gathered around the kitchen table creating all sorts of things.

Hopefully the girls will not lose that sense of fun and imagination. Maybe they will someday be playful moms, bringing joy to their own children. In the meantime, I will treasure these days with my little girls.

I've been reading Mary Beth Chapman's book Choosing to SEE. The Chapman's lost their five-year old daughter in a terrible accident and Mary Beth wrote how they survived such a tragedy. None of us knows the number of our days on this earth. A quote from the book: "Keep walking and keep trusting...love well the ones still in your charge and care...realize that time is short, life is hard...you have much to do, do not squander it."

Before the loss of his youngest daughter, Steven Curtis Chapman wrote the beautiful song "Cinderella" with all his daughters in mind. http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/cinderella.htm

"Oh, I will dance with Cinderella, I don't want to miss even one song,

'cause all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone..."

More New Year Resolutions

There is something about January and a new year spread out before us that makes people want to make changes. My blank calendar will soon be filled with, well, LIFE. What will we do this year? How will our days be spent? Spent is an accurate description. Used up, gone forever. What will be written on these blank pages?

I've made resolutions before. Many times they have to do with health. Eat more good food. Exercise more. This year I was reading an article by Andree Seu in World Magazine. It is titled "The Pilgrim's Progress: Three wishes and ways for moving forward in the new year." I have been pondering her suggestions.

1) "Pray to have friends (at least one) who have more faith than you do." Done. I do. Accountability in our Christian walk is crucial. I need a breathing, living example to emulate that shows me how to live out my faith. But am I always honest with her about my struggles? There can be no accountability without transparency in our relationships.

2) "Get rid of everything doubtful in your life." Questionable entertainment. Books that suck the life out of you rather than bring hope or enlightenment. Conversations not worthy of participation. You know when you've crossed into the gray area. "Let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit." II Corinthians 7:1.

3) "Mastery of the tongue. Speak slowly, put on a filter, let out no lie." Oh, that's a tough one. Long ago I memorized James 3 because my words have always been my downfall. "The tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity...If anyone does not stumble in what he says, he is a perfect man." I am far from perfect, especially in light of my words. As a mom, I am especially distressed by my "tongue lashings." These hurt as much as a physical beating. I need to serve my children with tenderness and gentleness.

So one of my resolutions this year is to be more faithful and diligent to follow the God I profess to know and love. I read today, "For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome." I John 5:3. God gives us the strength (and the desire) to do what is right.

My other resolution is to "redeem the time." These days of 2011 will be spent, to be sure. But what will be left after we fill in the last day of the calendar in December? "Teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom...satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days...let the favor of the Lord be upon us. Give permanence to the work of our hands." Psalm 90:12-17.

Looking Forward

"Till now the Lord has helped us." I Samuel 7:12.

"Through poverty, through wealth, through sickness, through health, at home, abroad, on the land, on the sea, in honour, in dishonour, in perplexity, in joy, in trial, in triumph, in prayer, in temptation...the Lord has helped us!

"We delight to look down a long avenue of trees. It is delightful to gaze from end to end of the long vista, a sort of verdant temple, with its branching pillars and its arches of leaves; even so look down the long aisles of your years, at the green boughs of mercy overhead, and the strong pillars of lovingkindness and faithfulness which bear up your joys. Are there no birds in yonder branches singing? Surely there must be many, and they all sing of mercy.

"Yet we also look forward, we are not yet at the end, There is still a distance to be traversed. More trials, more joys; more temptations, more triumphs; more prayers, more answers; more toils, more strength; more fights, more victories; and then come sickness, old age, disease, death. Is it over now? No! there is more yet...the face of Jesus, the society of saints, the glory of God, the fulness of eternity, the infinity of bliss. O be of good courage, believer..." (Charles Spurgeon.)

Glimpses of Christmas

Preparing for Christmas was rushed and joyless...until my friend asked me to watch her children while she visited her husband in the hospital. Her girls and mine had a wonderful time rolling and cutting and baking and decorating cookies. I enjoyed their fun. This set the tone for the next few days.

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I couldn't find peace...until Christmas Eve when I was dropping something off at another friend's house, in a hurry as always, and when she opened her door, I saw she had a cup of hot tea ready, along with oat bran muffins, all set up in her dining room. Those brief few moments are a special memory of this Christmas. Her house was so warm and inviting, and I found rest in quiet conversation with a dear friend.

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I couldn't find joy...until we went to our Christmas Eve service at church and found some friends who only come once a year. This family has suffered much in the past few months, but here they all were, dressed in holiday finery, singing out the carols with all their hearts.

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I couldn't find contentment until Christmas morning when I realized my daughter Arielle was right. It's all about family. All our kids arrived, the big kids and the little kids, together with all the laughter and stories and feasting and celebrating. Of course, we longed for the missing ones: Dominic and Stacia were in Chicago, Kelsey and Seth in Minnesota. And our extended family in North Carolina and Georgia. But phone calls late into the night connected me to my brother and mother. How blessed we are to have so many loved ones, near and far.

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Sometimes I think I expect too much from life. This quote from C.S. Lewis sums it up. "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

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And yet, God gives us plenty of experiences in this world to enjoy. And the best is yet to come.

Christmas Magic

Early this morning I was sitting in my darkened living room with only the tree lights glowing bemoaning the fact that Christmas has no magic for me this year. Why? The suffering of my friends weighs heavily and Fred is working all the time and comes home exhausted, just to eat and go to bed. We are too busy, too much to do in too little time. Everyone is on edge.

So if I focus on the true meaning of Christmas--Immanuel, God with us--I see Jesus as our only hope in a world of pain and hard work. The joy he brings is the only kind of lasting joy. I know this, but I'm having a difficult time getting perspective this year. This morning I am not feeling very spiritual.

I look at the tree and remember Christmases past. The carols and the lights surrounding the holiday allow children to indulge in the world of their imaginations, where children long to dwell. But we parents make them concentrate on the real world of school work and chores and responsibility. Usually at Christmas we briefly join them in their fantasy world where Santa and reindeer live at the North Pole and an adopted elf searches for his roots and a couple tries to escape Christmas only to find true meaning by sacrificing their needs for others. (These all come from movies we've watched recently.) Fred sets up his trains and he and the girls lie on the floor and watch them go around the tree and imagine living in that tiny village.

The girls and I were shopping for toys for the little ones in our family. After we chose our gifts I asked Arielle and Liana if they wanted to walk through the doll section of this big store. No, they said. Didn't they want to just look at the dolls? No. It's so very sad. Arielle wants no toy for Christmas. She hasn't for awhile. And this will probably be Liana's last year for Christmas toys. They are both growing up.

I remember my middle-school years when there was no more jumping out of bed early in the morning to see what Santa had left for me. In 7th grade I got white go-go boots (that I very much desired) and a warm sweater. Great gifts, but not thrilling. It was hard to face reality for a child who often lived in an imaginary world.

Late at night on Christmas Eve this year Fred and I will not be arranging toys on the sofa to be discovered at dawn by excited little girls in their pjs. Gifts now are more practical and sophisticated. As I sadly contemplate this, I think of what my wise daughter Arielle said a few weeks ago. She told me the best part of Christmas for her is not the gifts but the family gathering all together. She loves the crazy antics of her brothers and playing with the youngest ones and the laughter and loud voices and the special food and sitting in a circle watching each other open gifts one by one. The girls have both enjoyed making special gifts for their siblings and nieces and nephews and are eagerly anticipating giving these gifts. I need to learn from my daughters.

The Perfect Tree

Once again we chose a very cold day to go to the tree farm in search of our Christmas tree. Another Christmas season we are PRIVILEGED to plan, shop, and decorate. As we see friends ill and families suffering, I am learning to appreciate each day.

Our usual tree farm was closed, so we traveled a little farther and found a forest of perfect trees. The air was crisp and cold as we rode the tractor out to the fields, but we enjoyed the beautiful landscape. So many years we have taken our little girls tree hunting, from days when they were stumbling over the stumps and had to be carried. It's a tradition the girls would surely miss if ever we didn't do it. Fred and I would miss it too!

This farm had every size and shape tree imaginable. It was easy to find a good one. Fred quickly cut it and he dragged it down the hill to wait for the tractor. As it was shaken and bound, we enjoyed the free hot chocolate. Another tradition.

The girls are getting older now and take over most of the tree decorating, except for the lights that Fred does. In no time our perfect tree was dressed and lit. I tried and tried to take a good picture of it but none turned out well. Just picture an artificial tree in a department store, precisely symmetrical and flawless. That's what ours looks like, only we have a fresh pine scent and soft branches you can touch. A Christmas tree marks the years of our lives; memories flood my mind as I sit in silence and enjoy it. Thank you, Lord. One more year.

Time to Pray

"City sidewalks, busy sidewalks
Dressed in holiday style,
In the air there's a feeling of Christmas,

Silver bells, silver bells,
It's Christmas time in the city..."

I always loved that song. Not growing up in a city, I never really knew what it meant. But years ago a friend took Arielle and me at Christmastime to a big department store in the city that my friend visited with her parents as a child, and we heard carols played on a big organ and saw the city dressed in lights. The sidewalks were full of wide-eyed children bundled in their coats and scarves, and then the song came alive for me.

Last week I took the train into the city on a cold and windy day, and yes, in the air there was a feeling of Christmas. But soon I entered another world far removed from Christmas--a big city hospital where a friend's husband is dying of a disease that the best minds in this big city can't figure out.

As our family rejoices in our blessings this year, it is not a joyful time for many families close to us. Serious illness casts a shadow over any happiness this Christmas might bring. My heart is heavy as I think of them. Earlier, I posted this verse that always makes me think of Thanksgiving around our table.

"May our sons in their youth be like plants full grown, our daughters like corner pillars cut for the structure of a palace,
May our granaries be full, providing all kinds of produce,
May our sheep bring forth thousands and ten thousands in our fields,
May our cattle be heavy with young, suffering no mishap or failure in bearing,
May there be no cry of distress in our streets.
Blessed are the people to whom such blessings fall.
Blessed are the people whose God is the Lord!" Psalm 144:12-15.

How do we reconcile those words with these from Habakkuk 3:17-19?

"Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold,
and there be no herd in the stalls,

Yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength,
he makes my feet like the deer's,
he makes me tread on my high places."

This reminds me of what Job said, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust him." I think if we really knew what lies ahead after death, we would have a different perspective on suffering. We would have God's perspective. In trusting God, we can find joy--not in the circumstances surely, but in God and in his presence. He has promised never to leave us and to walk the journey with us.

At this stage in life it is inevitable that we will see friends (and ourselves) suffer. Do we despair or do we trust in a sovereign God? Today I read Daniel 9, Daniel's prayer for his people during desperate times. His words tell us how to respond to calamity. We are to entreat the favor of our God. We are to turn from sin. And we are to gain insight into God's truth. Daniel ends by saying:

"O my God, incline your ear and hear. Open your eyes and see our desolations. For we do not present our pleas before you because of our righteousness, but because of your great mercy. O Lord, hear. O Lord, forgive, pay attention and act. Delay not..."

Pray for others.

Born to Die

Teenager!

Well, here we go again! I have a teenager in the house once more. Somehow I think this time around will be different. Girls and boys are SO DIFFERENT! I've discovered that fact over the years. And my daughter is a unique person, wise and responsible. I will not buy into our culture's view that the teenage years will be tumultuous and difficult.

Arielle is 13! She decided she is too old for our usual kind of party with friends coming for crafts and games. With all that has been going on here, I wasn't up for it anyway. Financially we can't do the birthday event parties where the group goes to an ice skating rink or a pottery-making studio. But I told Arielle I would give her a day off from school and we could go or do anything--just the three of us girls.

Arielle had a hard time choosing. But she decided she wanted to shop 'til we dropped. So we did. We went to the mall and I bought her some needed clothing. We had smoothies from the food court and then walked around sampling all the food the vendors were handing out. We found Santa, just to see if it is the same "real" Santa who has always been at this mall every year since Arielle was a baby. He's getting old. With some trepidation we walked over and discussed how sad it would be if he wasn't there. But he was!

We bought Fred a birthday gift and Kelsey a Christmas gift. Liana bought an outfit for her new Build-A-Bear. We walked over to the next-door mall we never visit and found a great family gift for my nieces. I won't say what it is here, just in case my brother is reading. The best part of this trip was having no schedule, just doing whatever the girls wanted. Finally even Arielle had had enough and we went home. I made her favorite birthday soup. Then her cousin Julie called and that really made her night special.

Arielle wanted a new guitar for her birthday. She doesn't have a teacher, but we got her an instructional DVD. She also has a brother who plays guitar, so she looks forward to him showing her some techniques. Amazingly, she has already learned how to tune the guitar and how to play some simple chords. Her years of piano study have helped in reading the music and understanding the terms. My little girl has grown up! How blessed I am that she is my daughter!

Giving Thanks

Another Thanksgiving has come and gone. Most all our family gathered around the table this year. Everyone is a year older, but here we are all together on this earth. That alone is enough to be thankful for. But we have more. We have joy and laughter, stories and memories, good food, and love.

Dominic and Stacia arrived from D.C. for a few days. The family comes together when they are here. I wonder if in every family there is one person or couple who unites the others and makes family gatherings fun. Stacia wanted to help me cook and when she is here, cooking isn't so lonely and tedious. Liana also joined in to make the rolls. Dominic set up his laptop in the kitchen and he taught Arielle how to edit video. We had a fun day-before-Thanksgiving.

Arielle, as always, entertained the little ones. She is sensitive to include each one and makes sure they all have fun. Sometimes there is squabbling when cousins get together, but Arielle is a great mediator.

I always think of this scripture every year when we sit down to dinner. I wish I had a picture of all of us around the table. I read this years ago when we were going through a hard time and I took it as a promise from God that blessings would come. It has been fulfilled. Okay, we don't have sheep and cattle, but read the deeper meaning!

"May our sons in their youth be like plants full grown, our daughters like corner pillars cut for the structure of a palace. May our granaries be full, providing all kinds of produce, may our sheep bring forth thousands and ten thousands in our fields. May our cattle be heavy with young, suffering no mishap or failure in bearing. May there be no cry of distress in our streets. Blessed are the people to whom such blessings fall. Blessed are the people whose God is the Lord!" Psalm 144:12-15.

Christmas on the Radio

Many years ago when I was a single mom with little ones living in St. Louis, I rented a small apartment. Our complex of only about a dozen one-story units arranged in a horseshoe shape allowed us to become somewhat close to our neighbors, whether we wanted to or not. An elderly couple lived a few doors down and on summer evenings their front door would be open and you could get a glimpse of them sitting in their recliners. And you couldn't miss hearing them. One or both of them must have been hearing impaired because the TV or radio blasted out noise all evening long. It was so loud I could hear every word and every song of The Lawrence Welk Show that they seemed to love. This couple was a mystery to me, so far removed from my life. I couldn't imagine getting old and staying home listening to the radio or TV all night.

Tonight I thought about that couple. Fred is working so hard at his three jobs that he is exhausted by early evening. Usually he collapses and falls asleep before we even begin to get ready for bed. I come in and turn off the lights and the blaring TV. But this night he is still awake and it's not the TV that's on. He's brought an old radio into the bedroom and he is listening to Christmas music. The girls and I join him, talking about the old songs, singing along. Every year Fred listens to this particular station in the car because right around Thanksgiving it plays a 24 hour Christmas music marathon. We know all the words to these songs. Sometimes I wish we could hear a few new ones.

Tonight we listen to Andy Williams, a young Michael Jackson, Jimmy Durante, Karen Carpenter, John Lennon, Frank Sinatra...Neil Diamond--finally someone who is still alive! We laugh about that. Fred is covered up to his neck in big blankets. He's cold. He's tired. He says, "I'm getting to be an old man."

Fred loves Christmas. Earlier in the day he put up the lights outside and set up our lighted angel in front of the house. He stopped at a hardware store and bought a battery operated snow globe that blows the "snow" around while Burl Ives sings songs from the old cartoon, "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

The mystery of aging is solved. It's us! Just slower and more tired. It's knowing what's important in life, sitting with your spouse listening to Lawrence Welk on summer nights or laughing with your family and singing old Christmas songs. It's being satisfied with small joys.

As I wrote earlier, we want to celebrate the holidays in a God-honoring way. Do we totally reject the secular trappings and devote ourselves solely to the sacred? I think about that tonight. Yes, we are very aware that Christmas is the day God sent the greatest gift to mankind, the gift of his Son who would be the Savior of the world. But Christmas is also a family tradition, one we have kept since childhood. It is a time for reminiscing about the years that came before. I am thinking of small boys in pjs watching the Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer cartoon on TV. This was before you could buy the video and watch it whenever you wanted. You had to wait for it to come at Christmas! I think of the only time my mother ever sang. We kids were sitting on the couch with her in our little house in Arizona and she was teaching us the old carols. She sang "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" and I've loved that song ever since. I think of my little girls lying on the floor beside the lit-up Christmas tree that is towering above them, watching Daddy's electric trains go around and around, lost in their imagination.

A new song comes on that I've never heard before. It's the Trans-Siberian Orchestra playing "Christmas Canon Rock." Liana catches my eye. She recognizes one of her favorite pieces of music, Pachelbel's Canon in D. This is a jazzed-up version on an electric guitar, but we are still mesmerized and silent as we listen. It's magical.

God is honored when we think back and smile on the rich, full life he has given us and when we gather our loved ones around us making new memories that they will someday treasure.

A Goat for Christmas

It's the Christmas season again. How did that happen so fast? We've been having a lot of discussion lately with our grown kids about celebrating Christmas, cutting back on gift-buying, getting back to the the meaning of the holiday and avoiding the materialism. What pleases God in celebrating the birth of his son?

Years ago Fred and I sponsored a child through World Vision. So we continue to be on that organization's mailing list. We recently received a gift catalog. I thumbed through it and set it aside. The purpose of it is that you buy gifts for others, but they don't go to that person. The gifts go to poor villages in places like Zimbabwe, El Salvador, or Bangladesh. The gifts you can buy are farm animals, clothing, fruit trees, seeds, medicine, mosquito nets, clean water, tuition, or sewing machines. These things help to keep people healthy, feed them, or help them make a living.

I came across the catalog again and tossed it in the trash...but then pulled it out again. I was going to tell Fred I think we should give something. Fred would agree, but then I realized it had to be more personal. Instead of Fred buying me a gift for Christmas as he always does, I told him I wanted something from this catalog. He then decided he wanted the same from me.

The girls and I have since looked through the catalog many times and talked about what gift we would give. All the gifts are so necessary and needed. But I like the idea of giving an animal. Which one? After much discussion, we decided on a goat and chickens. The goat could provide milk and cheese and the chickens would provide eggs. They can forage and not require a lot of expense to feed. Their fertilizer will be good for a vegetable garden.

Now there would be people who would say this is nonsense. Will our money really go to buy a goat? I think World Vision is a trusted organization. Our church has some sort of relationship with them and has even adopted a village in Mali. People I actually know have gone to Mali and worked in that village.

It's a small thing. But we can pass on gifts this year and hopefully make one small bit of difference for a family in a village far away.

Anyone else so inspired, check out the website: http://www.worldvisiongifts.org/.

Retreat

It's the official start of the Christmas season at our house! Saturday night Fred made the first fire in the woodstove and we all retreated to our cozy little room in the basement and watched Christmas videos. The girls chose "Santa Clause 2" and "Elf." Silly, funny movies that we have seen a dozen times yet they never grow old because they are part of our family's tradition. When we hear the familiar lines and music, it means Christmas is coming.

We needed this. After the foray into the medical world of uncertainty and fear, we needed familiarity and sameness. We needed each other. This is not a same-old, boring routine we do every year. We rejoice to do it all again! Another year of life! Another Christmas!

The best part of watching movies over and over again is that you can do other things and you won't miss the story. Liana had her Build-A-Bear toys out and she was lost in her own world with them. Arielle was making a Christmas craft, painting and decorating a wooden ornament. Fred was roasting hot dogs over the fire, and I was hand-sewing the binding on Liana's quilt. I'm amazed how working my fingers brings me peace. Generations of women before me have found this gentle rhythm relaxing, I'm sure.

Yet in the midst of our tranquil evening, I am not quite at rest. Two friends of mine are going through terrifying ordeals. One, a mom of two young girls, was just diagnosed with breast cancer. For another, her husband has a debilitating muscle or nerve disorder, and he is going downhill fast. Doctors can't figure out what is wrong, and this night she is at the hospital with him. So much pain and fear in this world. The carefully ordered lives we create for ourselves are often shaken apart.

Our pastor says we try so hard to get our kingdoms not to shake that we neglect the unshakable kingdom. We are to hold fast to Christ because everything else shakes, and all will be lost except what is tethered to God's grace in Christ.

My son Jonathan and I had a talk the other night about suffering in the world. He paraphrased the idea of this verse, and he is so right. "For I consider that the suffering of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Romans 8:18.

Scripture says all of creation, including us, groan inwardly as we wait for redemption and the end to the pain of this world. We can't even imagine what comes next. Our greatest earthly joys are only a hint of what is to come. In the meantime, "Who can separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:35-39.

So we live in the moment, trusting God, and thanking him for what we have.

Narnia Quote

"Are you not thirsty?" said the Lion.

"I am dying of thirst," said Jill.

"Then drink," said the Lion.

"May I--could I--would you mind going away while I do?" said Jill.

The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realized that she might as well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience. The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving her nearly frantic.

"Will you promise not to--do anything to me, if I do come?" said Jill.

"I make no promise," said the Lion.

Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she had come a step nearer. "Do you eat girls?" she said.

"I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms," said the Lion. It didn't say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.

"I daren't come and drink," said Jill.

"Then you will die of thirst," said the Lion.

"Oh dear!" said Jill, coming another step nearer. "I suppose I must go and look for another stream then."

"There is no other stream," said the Lion."

C.S. Lewis from The Silver Chair.

Another Storm

An update on Fred: He came home on a Friday, just two days after surgery. We had a peaceful, relaxing weekend at home with Fred resting. (Unusual for him.) He even stayed home on Monday. But then Tuesday went back to work at 6am. At 4:30 when I came in to cook for Alpha, I tried to persuade him to go home and he finally did about 5:30.

In the middle of the night Fred woke up sick. I felt the heat radiating from him and took his temperature. He had a fever. It did not drop in the morning, and by noon it was 103 degrees. At my second call to the surgeon's office, the nurse said to come to the ER. As we drove there, I suddenly realized I hadn't told anyone and NO ONE was praying for us! Everyone thinks Fred is fine, I thought! We were on our own. But God knows our situation.

Fortunately, there was no infection in his incisions, internal or external. After several hours in the hospital and numerous tests for other issues, the doctors concluded he has a bacterial infection from the high doses of antibiotics he had prior to surgery that killed off the good bacteria that usually keeps this bad one in check. So another antibiotic targeting that particular one is prescribed. Fred is better now.

It is so easy to give in to fear. As my dear husband lay in the hospital bed appearing so weak and frail, all I could do was pray. What will happen? What should we do? Oh, I was scared, I admit. My faith is strong, but God never promised us a leisurely life without difficulty. I thought back to a sermon given by a guest speaker at our church just a couple of weeks before. I will write some of the basic points because it was a powerful message.

Paul Tripp is a dynamic speaker and prolific author. We are fortunate that he lives in the city near us and he occasionally comes to our church. This day he spoke on Mark 6:45-52.

In this passage Jesus had just fed the 5,000 with the five loaves and two fish and the people were all going home. Jesus told his disciples to get in the boat and go to the other side of the lake. Jesus wanted to go up to the mountain to pray.

"When evening came, the boat was out on the sea, and Jesus was alone on the land. And he saw they were making headway painfully, for the wind was against them. About the fourth watch of the night he came to them, walking on the sea. He meant to pass by them, but when they saw him walking on the sea they thought he was a ghost, and cried out, for they all saw him and were terrified. But immediately he spoke to them and said, 'Take heart, it is I. Do not be afraid,' And he got into the boat with them, and the wind ceased. They were utterly astounded, for they did not understand about the loaves, but their hearts were hardened."

Here are my notes from Paul Tripp: How does God build faith in us? Jesus crafted experiences, difficulties for his disciples, and then revealed his glory. In this passage, his disciples were in a difficult moment and not because of sin. They were in that particular situation because Jesus had told them to be there. They were there by the will of God. So why does God choose difficult moments for us? God knows we are very self-reliant. Jesus takes us beyond our strength and wisdom because he loves us. God takes us to the end of ourselves. Difficulties are not just for God to bail us out, but part of his plan. God doesn't want just circumstantial rescue for his followers. He doesn't want just to make life more "doable" for us. Our difficulty + His glory = God's Grace. In a moment of difficulty, do we see ghosts and become more terrorized and fearful?

Jesus got into the boat and declared his sovereignty. "It is I." The scripture says the disciples were utterly amazed. That's not complimentary because it wasn't faith. Why didn't they understand? They had not been learning their lessons. Why were they unprepared? Why do we panic in difficulty? Do we have a life of expectancy, hope and courage? Or do we give in to fear? It says the disciples' hearts were hardened, resistant to change, just like a stone.

Jesus has invaded our lives. Are we too satisfied? Do we not long for greater spiritual growth because we want calm seas and no wind? Then we don't want grace. Paul Tripp ended his message with this thought: Hold on to the gift of Jesus until he radically transforms you into his image.

I have been thinking there must be a balance between contentment with what you have and a selfish grip on what you have so that you resist any change in circumstances. Okay, that describes me. Keep it all the same and I'm happy with that. But then I do want desperately to know him more deeply and see his glory and grace. In that case, I am inviting difficulty. But also inviting Jesus to join me on that journey. He is always there and I am always delighted in how he reveals himself to me and lets me know he is there. Why do we so quickly forget all the miracles he's done in our lives in the past? I need to keep my heart from being hard.

We got home from the hospital last Wednesday night and I had an e-mail from Liana's Sunday School teacher. She said she and her husband had been praying for Fred that day and was everything okay? This, after I had sent out e-mails days before to everyone saying Fred was fine and recovering. But God put it on her heart to pray and she sensed something was up. So when I thought we were all alone at the hospital, we were not. God is gracious to us.

Blessed Man

6:00 am. Fred drove to the hospital, even after two days of no food and the colon prep that wipes you out. He had to be weak. Still, he stopped and got me coffee on the way. It was dark, before dawn. My good friend came over at that awful hour to spend the day with the girls while we were gone. I hope she knows how much that meant to me.

This hospital is top of the line. The best of our American healthcare system. How fortunate we are to be here. New, modern, spotlessly clean, efficient. The personnel are professional but friendly and...human. Refreshingly so. Fred was taken in for "processing" right away and I was able to go with him. This pre-surgical business--paperwork and payment, bloodwork and IVs, more colon prep, interviews with nurses and doctors and then more nurses, each of them with a different job. One of the nurses was so likeable she immediately put us at ease. Fred had her laughing when he told her what exactly got him in this predicament to begin with. He told the story of how he had inhaled his dental appliance. She was quite shocked. She said, "Why didn't you choke to death?" Fred answered that it was a miracle. This nurse then raised her hand in the air and exclaimed in a loud voice, "You are a blessed man!" Yes, he is. God reminded us he is here and that he is in control of everything.

The anesthesiologist was very humorless though. He seemed very competent and serious, and that's important too. He asked Fred, "Why are you here?" Fred said, "I'm having an appliance removed from my colon." The guy didn't bat an eye and didn't ask for further explanation. After he left the room Fred had me in tears laughing as he joked, "He didn't even ask what kind of appliance! A hair dryer, A mixer? And he didn't ask how it got there!"

9:00 am. Even though Fred and I had a few of hours to be together pre-surgery, too soon he was given an IV drug and they started to wheel him out. I asked the tech, "Is this good-bye?" Yes, I was told. A quick kiss and Fred is rolling down the hall. He is gone.

Tears spring to my eyes and I rush outside, cold and shaking. I call Joan. She knows what it's like because she's been here. She's the one caring for my girls and right now I need to hear their sweet voices. Then I go back inside and wait. I remind myself, Jesus is here.

10:20am. I check the computer screen and see that Fred is already in recovery! It's only been an hour and twenty minutes. The doctor had predicted it would take two hours. Ten minutes later the doctor comes out smiling. He says everything went just fine. He found the appliance and it is out. Then he takes hold of both of my shoulders and looks me in the eye. "I do have one concern though." WHAT? Then he tells me the hospital doesn't carry the correct dosage of one of Fred's heart meds, so he will have to use his own from home. That's a concern? The surgeon leaves. I am awash in relief and gratitude to our gracious God.

1:15 pm. What is going on? They told me an hour, maybe two, in the recovery room. The women are so patient with me when I keep coming up to their desk to ask about Fred. Finally, he is taken to his room. I stand outside the door while they get him settled. I don't recognize his voice. It is deep and harsh from the anesthesia. Morphine drips into his vein and he is falling in and out of sleep.

2:40 pm. Fred's nurse is gentle and soft-spoken. She knows how to calm worried family members and assure patients they are doing well. She asks me how I'm doing. Then she says, "We're here to care for your needs too." She brings me a glass of cranberry juice and puts her arms around my shoulders. Her kindness causes more tears.

4:40 pm. About a week and a half ago Fred asked his boss about a full-time job at church. Right now he is only working two days doing maintenance and he really enjoys the work. Fred can fix just about anything. I've heard from others that going to full-time is near impossible and, in fact, Fred was told just about the same thing. But as Fred was lying in the hospital bed half conscious, his cell phone rang. It was his boss offering him a full-time position with benefits!

The next day. Fred had a very rough time that first night. I felt awful leaving him there alone. He was in pain and very restless. The machines beep constantly waking him up everytime he would drift off. But he made it through the night and the next day. He's hungry. No real food this whole week. He is up walking in the morning though and I'm amazed at his quick recovery. He is not taking any narcotics, insisting they remove the morphine drip that kept his mind hazy and his stomach upset.

The second day. Fred was in rare form demanding this and refusing that. He wants out. He was supposed to have only clear liquids but finally the doctor relented and let him eat. Breakfast, then lunch. Then they said one more meal and if he tolerates that he can leave. He ordered his dinner as soon as possible, ate it and then his doctor came in. The surgeon said in his 30 years of practice he's only had two other people who went home the second day after this particular surgery. We packed up and left.

What a journey this has been. Only three days real-time, but it seems like a faraway trip when you leave your routine and daily schedules and all that is familiar to go into this other world of hospital-time. Fred is home resting. Keeping him down long enough to heal properly will be a challenge for me.

We are grateful to God and to each of our friends and family members who offered support every step of the way. Thank you!

Another homeschooling mom took the girls on Thursday and Friday to give Arielle and Liana a break from staying at the hospital with me all day. She and all the kids collected beautiful fall leaves and glued them to a poster board. Then they wrote out this verse in big letters: Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. (Isaiah 41:10.) It turned out to be a giant get well card. As we propped it up in Fred's hospital room, I knew God had surely answered. This was the verse we prayed for him before the surgery.