Dare 13

Dare 13: Love fights fair. Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. The forced closeness of marriage strips away your public facades, exposing your private problems and secret habits. Welcome to fallen humanity. Every couple goes through it. It's par for the course. But not every couple survives it. This dare is about dealing with confict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side. Both of you. Together.

The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions.

But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your husband is more important than whatever you're fighting about. Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a much deeper connection afterwards. But how? The wisest way is to learn to fight clean by establishing healthy rules of engagement. If you don't have guidelines for how you'll approach hot topics, you won't stay in bounds when the action heats up.

Rules you and your husband might agree on beforehand:

1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a time-out if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry with one another.
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.

(One Fred and I have: we will not call each other names.)

Rules you might set for yourself:

1. I will listen first before speaking.
2. I will deal with my own issues up front and consider how I might be wrong.
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down.

(One I have: I will not jump to conclusions before I know the facts.)

Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for.

The Dare: Talk with your husband about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If he is not rady for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. James 1:19.

What unspoken rules do you have?