Jealousy

My girls are having trouble with the dares because they fight all the time. It's very difficult for them to go a whole day and not say anything negative to each other. "You're a baby!" That statement alone can provoke tears and desire for retaliation.

Sibling rivalry at its core is pure jealousy. A first child is doted upon and has her parents' undivided attention. They only have eyes for her! Every word she speaks is profound and mom and dad praise her continually. Then sister #2 comes along. Parents tell the first child, "We love you so much we wanted to share that love with another child!" Huh?? What if your husband said the same to you? "I love you so much I want to bring another woman home so we can share the love around."

From the beginning I knew there would be trouble with my two girls. We received the long awaited picture of our new second daughter from China. Oh, the excitement! We made calls to everyone we knew. We scanned the photo and sent it out across the country via e-mail. We stared at the tiny image, admiring the adorable, plump baby who would soon be ours. Oh, the joy!

Three-year-old Arielle watched all this, momentarily out of the spotlight. "Your new sister!" we exclaimed. Who needs a sister? her expression told us. Then later, that object of our adoration disappeared! The picture was missing! The only tangible evidence of our new daughter was gone. We tore the house apart thinking we had misplaced it, knowing we would not have done that. We couldn't find it anywhere. Arielle! We kindly asked her if she "put it away" for us. Then, "Did you take it?" we demanded. No matter how much we cajoled her she did not respond. How could a little child fool us like this? Where could she have hidden the picture so that we could not find it?

Several days later the picture appeared. We never did know where Arielle had hidden it. But we know she did. Later on she would hide Liana's toys, toys maybe Arielle thought Liana didn't deserve, or maybe a toy Arielle herself wanted.

So going back to the discussion of legitimate vs. illegitimate jealousy, you would have to say Arielle's jealousy was legitimate. She thought the two people who loved her the most, who belonged to her, had turned their love to someone else. Her very own parents wanted another child. You can understand how she felt. Usually second (or third or fourth) children will not feel this extreme jealousy because they were never their parents' sole focus.

So how do we resolve this? When does a legitimate jealousy evolve into selfishness and quarreling? When is it time to "flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace? And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead he must be kind to everyone...not resentful." (II Timothy 2:23-24) We spend the rest of our lives assuring our children we love them equally but maybe because of personality or life experiences, some kids never lose jealous feelings. They need to. It will affect their future relationships with others.

We have the 4-H Fashion Revue coming up in a couple of weeks. For the first time, Liana, as well as Arielle, will model and be judged on an outfit they sewed. Ribbons are awarded and winners go on to compete in the regional show. They are not competing against each other, as they are in different age groups. But still, I anticipate hurt feelings.

I asked Arielle, "How will you feel if Liana wins and you don't?" She said, "I won't care. I won two years in a row."

I asked Liana, "How will you feel if Arielle wins and you don't?" She said, "I won't care. I just had fun making my outfit."

Life will be easier if no one wins. But if one of them does, will the other be mature enough, and does she love the other enough, to offer sincere congratulations to her sister? We'll see.

What were your experiences growing up with siblings? How do you handle sibling rivalry with your kids?