Wedding weekend, Part 1

My son Jonathan got married! My youngest son, my baby boy. It's hard to believe, but I was there and saw it with my own eyes.

It was a family wedding, a low-budget affair, but I'm convinced this kind can be just as meaningful as a lavish event. Since money was an issue, family members volunteered their special talents and time. I am amazed by our gifted family! Dominic videotapes interviews for his job, so he offered his services as the videographer for the wedding. Gretchen, my son Damien's girlfriend, is an amateur photographer, but she is very talented, and she has professional equipment. So she took the official pictures. Arielle took over my camera and also took pictures all night. Marissa is a hair stylist and she offered to do our hair. She worked for hours on us, after working at her real job all morning. A friend from work, his brother a DJ with all the needed tools, offered to play the music and make all the announcements. His payment--a game system that Jon promised him.

I had originally offered to prepare food for the reception. I was thinking of how Fred and I cook at church every Tuesday night for Alpha. We know how to cook for a crowd. But we also have access to a professional kitchen and large size bowls and pans. And a refrigerator and warmer. What was I thinking? Maybe I could pull it off if I didn't also need to attend the wedding! So I was thinking it through and realized it was nearly impossible to do. Panicking, I thought of my friend Helen. She is a professional in the food service business. Maybe she could tell me how to logistically pull this off.

When I explained my dilemma, Helen immediately said, "I'll do it." No hesitation, she just offered her expertise and experience and equipment. Then I told her our ability to pay. It wasn't much. Fred and I didn't have much to contribute. My son Dominic had matched our donation, so we had double it, but still, it wasn't much. Helen acted like money was not an issue.

A scripture comes to mind here: "There is a friend who sticks closer than a brother." Proverbs 18:24. I think I can paraphrase without compromising God's word. "There is a friend who sticks closer than a sister." I am certainly not judging my own sister who lives out-of-state. But God has given us good friends who become family. What a blessing that is! Helen has always been like family. She is at every family event of ours, as we are with her and her children. Our girls have grown up together. She is one I know I can call upon for anything. What a feeling of security that is. But I never intended for Helen to actually prepare and serve all the food! At the time I asked her, I just needed advice.

So Helen arranged preparation of the food, picked it up, set it up, served it, cleaned it up, and took all the supplies back to her kitchen. It was a monumental task. Her response to all this, "It's what families do." Helen, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, for being part of our family.

Other people contributed greatly in making this a wonderful event. Kim, Fred's son Anthony's wife, and Gretchen helped Chrissy with her dress buying and Kim even returned with her when she had to be fitted for the alteration. Kim and Kristina, my son Nick's girlfriend, provided food for the wedding shower we gave so we could meet Chrissy's extended family. Stacia, my son Dominic's fiancee, went over to the hall with Arielle and me the night before to help decorate. It was a tedious long affair, but she provided advice and worked tirelessly. Dominic stayed after the reception to clean-up. Fred provided limo service for the bride and flower girl. He also let Jon borrow his GPS so Jon and Chrissy could find their way to their two-day honeymoon at the beach.

Damien was an usher. He dressed the part too. Very stylish in his beautiful blue shirt. He lent an air of sophistication to the ceremony at the tiny country church. My oldest son, Nick, was the life of the party. Always the dancer, he taught the kids the typical wedding dances. Lana, Liana, and Mattie, Kristina's daughter, provided the "cute" factor. They danced the night away. I kept looking at Liana on the dance floor thinking, who is this child? I never knew she would enjoy herself so much. As my mother says, "She was a dancin' fool."

Chrissy's dad provided the reception hall and we are all grateful to him. He came up to me at the end of the evening and thanked me for the food. Helen had already gone, so I wish he could have told her directly. I thanked him for his contribution. He said, "We all do what we can do." And everyone did. It was a beautiful, simple wedding. That's all it needed to be.

More details on the wedding to come.

Francesca the firefly

Lana is staying with us for two days. She loves coming here, not because she has a wonderful grandmother, but because of Arielle and Liana. Arielle watches over her and nurtures and comforts her, and Liana is her playmate.

I had the best grandmother in the world. She had no children to entertain me, but her home was a safe haven of peace in my turbulent childhood. And she loved me. It's a simple as that. That was all I really needed from her. In the big picture of a lifetime, my moments with her were brief, but my memories are precious. I've many times tried to conjure up all the images and feelings I remember before the years blur and fade them away.

I want Lana to remember me, Fred, Arielle and Liana this way. We see Lana way more often than I saw my grandmother, so Lana's life will be full of events and activities with us. What special moments will she collect to think back on when she's an old woman? I hope she will know she was loved.

When Lana first arrived yesterday, she and Liana played Polly Pockets for hours. The two of them are inseparable and it's hard to get them involved in anything besides their imaginative play. But late in the afternoon Fred suggested a walk in a park not far from here and everyone was agreeable. The girls were all very tired from the wedding the night before (more on that later) but they enjoyed deer watching. I'm sure Lana will always remember her Aunt Arielle carrying her piggyback when she was so weary she couldn't take another step.

After dinner and ice cream on the deck, the girls got jars for collecting fireflies. Even though it wasn't very dark, the girls easily caught several. Liana named her firefly Francesca and she searched the yard for a tidbit of flower and leaf that Francesca might enjoy. Lana was sidetracked by a robin eggshell she found in the yard and wanted me to preserve it for her to take home. When it was time to come inside for baths, the girls opened their jars and the fireflies gracefully ascended into the sky. These childhood moments are captured for such a short time. We can't hold on to them. Night inevitably falls and we release them, gone forever except in our memories. Good-bye, Francesa and all your friends.

A blessing

I wrote before about a teacher I had at church years ago. (Search blog: A living example). I greatly admired this woman because, simply, she lives her faith. Eventually she moved to a mission field in an Arab country where she has been for several years. She is home this summer teaching a 4-week class on spiritual warfare. I really didn't want to add something else to my schedule but I knew I would learn a lot from this wise woman.

Last week we spent two hours in the scriptures with L. supplementing our study with stories from her own experience. She teaches women in her country on the other side of the world, an intriguing and kind of frightening place (to me).

During a break, L. came over to my table and asked me if I remembered some character studies we had used in a previous class. Years ago I had written a series of studies on people from the Bible. They were in-depth analysis of the character's lives and how their life lessons apply to ours. I had forgotten all about them. These studies were used in the context of a curriculum called the Wise Women series that another woman at church was writing. L. told me she uses the character studies with the women she is teaching now. She said the women love them. What a blessing this was to me! To think that work I did so long ago was ministering to other women so far away. I think back on that time of serious Bible research and hours and hours of writing every week. It combined two of my loves, Bible study and writing. During that time this blog came about and my early posts reflects some of the lessons I learned then.

I am glad I went to the class. I knew I would get good teaching, but I also unexpectantly got a blessing. The week after L. had the class look at the book of Nehemiah as another lesson on spiritual warfare. On a personal level, I see it as a caution and an encouragement in homeschooling as we gear up for a new year. I decided to do a deeper study of this book and will probably write about it on my homeschooling blog. www.livingstoneshomeschool.blogspot.com

List for today

My son Jonathan is getting married Saturday. It has been a busy week preparing for the big event. One of my other sons, along with his fiancee, are coming Friday night to stay with us, so there is house cleaning and meals to think about. Liana is taking several science classes at the library, so we need to go there every day, plus there is the usual: prescriptions to pick up, family birthdays, laundry, cooking, the garden, the endless daily chores. So this morning during my quiet time, I was making a list of tasks to accomplish over the next few days. Then I read Ephesians 4. Here I found God's list. And it's not just a list for today, but for everyday:

Speak the truth
Don't let the sun go down on your anger
Do honest work with your hands
Share with others in need
Build up others and give grace with your words
Don't grieve the Holy Spirit
Get rid of all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, malice
Be kind to one another
Be tenderhearted
Forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you

It's a tall order. Maybe I can check off one today?

Glorious 4th, Part 2

"The earth has yielded its produce. God our God blesses us." Psalm 67:6.

Knee-high by the 4th of July? Our corn is doing a little better than that! Over the weekend we had quite a harvest of vegetables. Green beans and beets, cucumbers and romaine lettuce. The corn is just beginning to tassle. The rainy month of June was good for this garden. In the middle of all this lush greenery, my little cactus, quite the outsider in the Northeast, makes a bright showing this year.

The girls are relaxing in front of the TV after their 10-mile bike ride and I write this by hand on the deck so I can be outside with Fred while he's grilling. He pours us both a glass of blackberry wine and we are at peace at the close of this beautiful weekend. The birds are making a racket behind our hedges at the edge of the woods. A female jay watches me pour some sunflower seeds in the feeder and she waits for us to leave so she can enjoy them. The baby groundhog quadruplets are foraging in the grass. The sun drops early behind the trees making it seems later than it is. We love our little secluded refuge just beyond the bustle of the town.

Glorious 4th

Once more we celebrate the 4th of July.

The day was sunny, breezy, and cool! So unusual for this time of year. We decided to ride bikes on one of the many trails that follow the creeks and rivers in our area. We've waited for this day for a long time, a day when the girls became competent bike riders and won't endanger themselves or others while they are riding. The first part of the trail took us through a park filled with memories. In my mind I see my little boys and me making crafts on that table there and shooting arrows at targets near that grove of trees. We attended a Cub Scout day camp here many years ago. Who would have guessed then that my daughter would celebrate her Happy Adoption Day party here so far into the future. Arielle has an excellent memory and said to me as we rode by, "I was here with Jon!" That was what she remembered of that day, being here with her big brother who carried her in his arms to see some African dancers who were performing.

We cross the park, the path slicing through fields of tall orange and yellow wildflowers. Lots of people are here today but they are quiet and we hear little conversation. The only sounds are the birds and the whirring of bicycles as they zip by us. Occasionally small animals make crackly noises as they rustle in the brush. The waterway comes in and out of view. I'm having trouble keeping on the path because I am overwhelmed with the beauty of the scenery and I want to see it all. I almost fall off my bike when a tiny bright goldfinch flies right in front of me. We ride through a goose crossing and stop for a picture.

It's a strange feeling to be following a river instead of a road. We know approximately where we are but we try to reconcile these sights with the maps in our heads. We see glimpses of the river between the trees of the thick woods and I was amazed to see the confluence of our small creek with the much larger river.

My hot pink boardwalk cruiser serves me well. I've written before about this bike so perfect it's like it was built just for me. No handbreaks, no speeds, it's big and wide and sturdy and its flashy pink color certainly stands out in a crowd. Some wise guy on the trail smirked, "Nice bike" as he rode by. But I don't care. I feel like I could ride forever on my bike and never get tired.

This was so much fun we decide to do it all again the next day! This time we ride about ten miles into a national park. We had to travel through hot sun parallel to the highway for a short piece but it was well worth it when we entered the shady forest, cool and dark, where the trees interlace their branches across the path making a canopy for us to pass under. The girls ride well and I am delighted we've found the perfect family outing.

In the evening of the 4th, a good friend and her daughters come over for dinner and later we go the the local park to see the fireworks. It seems the whole town is there, blankets spread out across the grassy fields. My friend bought the girls glow sticks that they make into necklaces and halos while we wait for darkness to descend. Before it comes, God provides a spectacular sunset, orange and blue stripes that melt to fiery red. No man-made sky show can top that. I forgot to bring my camera!

A band plays music from the 70's, the musicians in pastel suits with their synchronized moves bring back memories. My friend and I are tempted to get up and do a little disco but the girls were horrified enough that we would even sing along with the music, much less dance. The band concludes with the Star-Spangled Banner and we all rise and sing out into the night.

The fireworks are the same as always, colorful bursts of fire that built to a finale that lights up the heavens. But the sameness is what makes this night special. Once more, we are together with friends. Once more my neck hurts from looking up and once more a small daughter is nestled in my lap. Once more we walk back down the dark path to find our cars with hundreds of our neighbors right alongside of us, parents holding tight to little hands. I'm thankful for all the "once mores." I'm thankful for this glorious weekend.

Racial radar

I totally support our church children's camp, but I sort of got off on the wrong foot the first morning. A friend of mine was in charge of the snack each day and she gathered us helpers, three other women and me, to tell us her plan for setting up the food and coordinating each camper group that would be arriving. She needed to do something to settle the kids down before they ate. She said she would start with a song, and she suggested, "Jesus Loves the Little Children."

I immediately said, "I don't like that song." Everyone turned to me, incredulous. "Why not?!" The song has a great message. Jesus surely does love all the children of the world and they are truly precious in his sight. But I answered, "Because children are not red and yellow, black and white."

One woman said, "My husband said that song is not politically correct." Politically? I don't care about that. I think the words to the song are racially insensitive. My beautiful daughters are certainly not "yellow" and my Cherokee family members are not "red" by any stretch of the imagination. All the people of the world are lovely shades of brown! Without a word my friend went in to meet the campers and sang a different song.

Having children of a different race has opened my eyes to our culture's biases and stereotypes. My radar zeroes in on them. What do you think? Am I being too sensitive?

Long week

The past week the girls and I have been at the preschool camp at our church. Arielle was a junior counselor, Liana was in the camp for the children of the workers, my granddaughter Lana attended the camp, and I served snacks to about 150 kids each day. We've been involved with this camp for years and years. I've taken my older two grandchildren, and my girls have gone since they were tiny. I was a counselor for many years but being a snack lady suits me just fine now.

This camp is the ultimate VBS. There is not single kid in the universe who wouldn't like it. It's well-supervised--one adult and junior helper to five children. This little group travels around during the morning from one activity to another, indoors and out. The children go to crafts, games, music, nature, snacks and then...best of all, they see the skit Granny Bear and her crew have concocted. Granny Bear is an older woman who has served in the children's ministry for many years at our church. She's the best. Each summer for two weeks (there are two weeks of this camp) she dons a bear costume, recruits other "bear" actors, and writes a skit that is appealing to small children and hilarious even to adults. Her well-written storylines also teach great Biblical truths.

Anyway, since we left home early each morning, I had no time for writing and no time for my quiet time and Bible reading that gets me off to a good start each day. On top of that, I had the after effects of some virus I had last weekend. (No, I wasn't contagious.) So I was totally wiped out every day when we got home. I look forward to getting back into the routine next week.

QUESTION! I plan to continue the dares with my husband and with my daughters. But unless someone tells me they are following along, I will not write them in here anymore. So please let me know! Do you want me to post the dares??

Kids and conflict

As I wrote out the dare for marriages, I kept thinking of my two daughters. They have conflict, as all siblings do. But how do they fight? Do they fight fair? Isn't their relationship the training ground for marriage? The guidelines I set and enforce (or don't set) when they are quarreling might set the stage later in life for how they get along with their husbands and whether they can sustain a marriage.

From my older boys I've learned how much name-calling hurts. Those names stick with a child throughout life. Even with one of my girls, when she tells me the other called her a name, she says it with tears. Name-calling is devastating. I do not allow it, but it can go on in a sneaky way even if we don't hear it. As moms, do we allow our children to shout at each other? Do we allow them to say hurtful words like "I hate you"? Do they bring up issues that happened two years ago? Do we judge fairly when we're put in the middle of the conflict? There are times we need to let them settle things on their own, but also times when a parent needs to step in.

My girls are not allowed to hit or touch each other in any physical way when fighting. This was never a problem for Arielle. She is a very gentle child and was horrified the first time another child struck her. And she did not retaliate. I don't think it is in her nature. But Liana was different. At a year old she was a fighter and still needs to be reminded not to strike out in that way. It is a terrible thing when marriage partners resort to physically hurting each other.

Failure should not be an option for siblings. I remind my girls continually that friends come and go, but your sister is your friend forever. Siblings are the longest lasting of human relationships. When I hear of adults who can't get along with their siblings, it is very sad. Sometimes I think I only get along well with my siblings because they are out-of-state. I wonder how it would be if I saw them on a regular basis. My four sons are each so different. One of them said to me once, "If he wasn't my brother, I wouldn't be friends with him." But they are brothers and they are friends. They've become closer the older they get. I so much want that for my girls.

It's a great joy when our children love and respect each other. "Behold, how good and how pleasant it is when brothers dwell together in unity." Psalm 133:1.

Dare 13

Dare 13: Love fights fair. Like it or not, conflict in marriage is simply inevitable. The forced closeness of marriage strips away your public facades, exposing your private problems and secret habits. Welcome to fallen humanity. Every couple goes through it. It's par for the course. But not every couple survives it. This dare is about dealing with confict in such a way that you come out healthier on the other side. Both of you. Together.

The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do (or ever have done) to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions.

But love steps in and changes things. Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, and that your love for your husband is more important than whatever you're fighting about. Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, more intimate, and enjoy a much deeper connection afterwards. But how? The wisest way is to learn to fight clean by establishing healthy rules of engagement. If you don't have guidelines for how you'll approach hot topics, you won't stay in bounds when the action heats up.

Rules you and your husband might agree on beforehand:

1. We will never mention divorce.
2. We will not bring up old, unrelated items from the past.
3. We will never fight in public or in front of our children.
4. We will call a time-out if conflict escalates to a damaging level.
5. We will never touch one another in a harmful way.
6. We will never go to bed angry with one another.
7. Failure is not an option. Whatever it takes, we will work this out.

(One Fred and I have: we will not call each other names.)

Rules you might set for yourself:

1. I will listen first before speaking.
2. I will deal with my own issues up front and consider how I might be wrong.
3. I will speak gently and keep my voice down.

(One I have: I will not jump to conclusions before I know the facts.)

Fighting fair means changing your weapons. Disagreeing with dignity. It should result in building a bridge instead of burning one down. Remember, love is not a fight, but it is always worth fighting for.

The Dare: Talk with your husband about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If he is not rady for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger. James 1:19.

What unspoken rules do you have?

Dare 12

Dare 12: Love lets the other win. If you were asked to name areas where you and your husband disagree, you'd likely be able to do it without thinking very hard. And sadly, unless someone at your house starts doing some giving in, these same issues are going to keep popping up. Defending your rights and opinions is a foundational part of your nature and make-up. It's detrimental, though, inside a marriage relationship, and it steals away time and productivity. It can also cause great frustration for both of you. Granted, being stubborn is not always bad. Some things are worth standing up for and protecting. Our priorities, morals, and obedience to God should be guarded with great effort. But too often we debate over piddling things. Other times, the stakes are much higher.

Though these issues may not crop up every day, they keep resurfacing and don't really go away. You never seem to get any closer to resolution or compromise. The heels just keep digging in. There's only one way to get beyond stalemates like these, and that's by finding a word that's the opposite of stubbornness. That word is willing. It's an attitude and spirit of cooperation that should permeate our conversations. And the one best example of it is Jesus Christ.

As God, He had every right to refuse becoming a man but yielded and did--because He was willing. He had the right to be served by all mankind but came to serve instead. He had the right to live in peace and safety but willingly laid down His life for our sins. He was even willing to endure the grueling torture of the cross. He loved, He cooperated, and was willing to do His Father's will instead of His own. "Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus." Philippians 2:5. The attitude of willingness, flexibility, and humble submission. It means laying down for the good of others what you have the right to claim for yourself.

The very moment one of you says, "I'm willing to go your way on this one," the argument will be over. And though the follow-through may cost you some pride and discomfort, you have made a loving, lasting investment in your marriage. That's not to say your husband is necessarily right or being wise about a matter, but you are choosing to give strong consideration to his preference as a way of valuing him.

The Dare: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your husband. Tell him you are putting his preference first.

Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:4.

A little girl's dream

"I want to be a teacher when I grow up." That's all I ever remember saying about my future goals when I was a child. I loved learning and thought everyone else did too. My little brothers and sister were my students and I would give them "work" to do, although they were not always enthusiastic about doing it.

In college I was distracted pursuing other interests and gave up my dream. Then came children (three), and then financial difficulties that led me to nursing school. My dad always told me I was useless and would never amount to anything, so it was "Here's to you, Dad!" as I graduated at the top of my class. And I felt very useful when I worked at the hospital. But another baby came along and I left nursing to be just a mom at home. My years with my little boys on the windy plains of Oklahoma were among the best of my life.

Later the need to support myself again brought me back to school. A difficult marriage made me once again feel useless and stupid. I went to chiropractic school and graduated at the top of my class. "Here's to all of you negative voices from my past!" The boys were older now and I became Miss Career Woman. I admire women who have careers, but for me, I felt I was just pretending, and I wasn't entirely comfortable in that role. Then tiny Chinese faces from the other side of the world tore at my heart.

Never was my desire so great or my focus more intense than when I worked to bring my girls home. This was my true calling--to be a mother to my children. Nothing else ever fulfilled or satisfied. When I was a little girl and wanted to be a teacher, I never thought I would be teaching a class of two. That might not seem like much, but it is enough. I have all I ever wanted, and I have nothing else to prove.

My dream is not yours. So what is yours? Are you living it? Fulfill your calling whatever it may be at this time in your life. God never gives us the whole picture--a panoramic view of our entire lives. We have just enough light to illuminate the next step. So take that step and then you'll see the one after it.

So is this the end for me? I've finally found my place in the world and we all live happily ever after? I'll never presume that. I might be driven back into the workforce again someday. But for now, in this season of my life, I'm right where God wants me. It's the only place to find peace.

I hope I can one day pray as Jesus did, "I have brought You glory on earth by completing the work You gave me to do." John 17:4.

Dare 11

Dare 11: Love cherishes. Marriage is a beautiful mystery created by God, joining two lives together as one. This not only happens physically but spiritually and emotionally. When your spouse goes through a tragedy, both of you feel it. When you find success at your job, both of you rejoice. But somewhere along the way, you experience disappointment, and the sobering reality that you married an imperfect person sets in. This, however, does not change the fact that your husband is still a part of you. You must treat him with the same nurture and care that you treat yourself. When you show love to your husband, you are showing love to yourself.

When you mistreat your husband, you are also mistreating yourself. Your lives are interwoven together. Your husband cannot experience joy or pain, blessing or cursing, without it also affecting you. So when you attack your husband, it is like attacking your own body.

Your husband needs to be loved and cherished. If he has issues causing pain and frustration, then you should care for these with the same love and tenderness you would a bodily injury. If he is wounded in some way, you should think of yourself as an instrument that helps bring healing to his life.

Don't let the culture around you determine the worth of your marriage. To compare it with something that can be discarded or replaced is to dishonor God's purpose for it. When you look at your husband, you're looking at a part of you. So treat him well. Speak highly of him. Nourish and cherish the love of your life.

The Dare: What need does your husband have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there a chore you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you." And do it with a smile.

A man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery..." Ephesians 5:31.

Dare 10

Dare 10: Love is unconditional. If someone were to ask you, "Why do you love your husband?"--what would you say? Women would probably say something about their husband's good looks or personality. They'd commend him for his steadiness and consistent character. They'd say they love him because he's always there for them. He's generous. He's helpful.

But what if over the course of years, your husband stopping being every one of those things. Would you still love him? The only logical response would be no. If your reasons for loving your husband all have something to do with his qualities--and then those same qualities suddenly or gradually disappear--your basis for love is over.

The only way love can last a lifetime is if it's unconditional. The truth is this: love is not determined by the one being loved but rather by the one choosing to love. This is God's kind of love. He doesn't love us because we are lovable but because He is so loving. If He insisted that we prove ourselves worthy of His love, we would fail miserably. But God's love is a choice. Unconditional love will not be swayed by time or circumstance.

The Dare: Do something out of the ordinary today for your husband--something that proves that your love is based on choice and nothing else. Do a chore for him or make his favorite dessert. Demonstrate love to him for the sheer joy of being his partner in marriage.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. I Corinthians 13:7.

Envious of Fred?

The Dares have given me lots to think about. I admit I have been envious of Fred at times--his charisma with people mostly. I think back on cooking for the Alpha course at church. We worked in the kitchen with some difficult people. I would usually just keep to myself and ignore them. Not Fred. He made the effort to talk and joke with them, listen to their tales. He accepted their quirks and helped them with their tasks. They, in turn, loved him. He was greeted with enthusiasm each week when we arrived. Me, they ignored.

People always like Fred more than me. When he was a chiropractor, his patients adored him. He had the busiest practice in town. They mourned his retirement. But really, Fred and I are not competitors. I am thankful he's the way he is and I'm glad he's my husband!

As for greetings, Fred and I excel at this. We have long established habits of good-byes in the morning and hellos when one of us returns home. I walk downstairs with him to send him off, and I'm available to go back and retrieve items he's forgotten to bring along. I wave at the window as he pulls out of the driveway. Corny and silly? Maybe. But it sets a good tone for the day.

During the day Fred continually calls me every chance he gets. When he's leaving one point to drive to another. When he's coming home. He asks if I need anything on the way. We always say good-bye with an "I love you." When he gets home, I make the effort to give a cheerful hello and a hug or kiss.

No matter what has transpired in our relationship during the day, we are civil to each other before the lights go out. If an apology is due, we give it. It doesn't mean every issue is resolved, maybe it's only a temporary cease-fire. But after a night's sleep, we will see things differently in the morning.

In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry. Ephesians 4:26.

Dare 9

Dare 9: Love makes good impressions. You can tell a lot about the state of a couple's relationship from the way they greet one another. You can see it in their expression and countenance, as well as how they speak to each other. It is even more obvious by their physical contact. But how much importance should you give a greeting?

Jesus noted in his Sermon on the Mount that even pagans speak kindly to people they like. That's easy for anyone to do. But he took it a step further and said that being godly included being humble and gracious enough to address even your enemies with kindness. This raises an interesting question. How do you greet your friends, coworkers, and neighbors? How about acquaintances and those you meet in public? You may even encounter someone you don't necessarily like yet still acknowledge them out of courtesy. So if you're this nice and polite to other people, doesn't your husband deserve the same? Times ten?

It's probably something you don't think about very often--the first thing you say to him when you wake up in the morning, the look on your face when you get in the car, the energy in your voice when you speak on the telephone. But here's something else you probably don't stop to consider--the difference it would make in your husband's day if everything about you expressed the fact that you were really, really glad to see him.

The Dare: Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your husband today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for him.

Greet one another with a kiss of love. I Peter 5:14.

Jealousy

My girls are having trouble with the dares because they fight all the time. It's very difficult for them to go a whole day and not say anything negative to each other. "You're a baby!" That statement alone can provoke tears and desire for retaliation.

Sibling rivalry at its core is pure jealousy. A first child is doted upon and has her parents' undivided attention. They only have eyes for her! Every word she speaks is profound and mom and dad praise her continually. Then sister #2 comes along. Parents tell the first child, "We love you so much we wanted to share that love with another child!" Huh?? What if your husband said the same to you? "I love you so much I want to bring another woman home so we can share the love around."

From the beginning I knew there would be trouble with my two girls. We received the long awaited picture of our new second daughter from China. Oh, the excitement! We made calls to everyone we knew. We scanned the photo and sent it out across the country via e-mail. We stared at the tiny image, admiring the adorable, plump baby who would soon be ours. Oh, the joy!

Three-year-old Arielle watched all this, momentarily out of the spotlight. "Your new sister!" we exclaimed. Who needs a sister? her expression told us. Then later, that object of our adoration disappeared! The picture was missing! The only tangible evidence of our new daughter was gone. We tore the house apart thinking we had misplaced it, knowing we would not have done that. We couldn't find it anywhere. Arielle! We kindly asked her if she "put it away" for us. Then, "Did you take it?" we demanded. No matter how much we cajoled her she did not respond. How could a little child fool us like this? Where could she have hidden the picture so that we could not find it?

Several days later the picture appeared. We never did know where Arielle had hidden it. But we know she did. Later on she would hide Liana's toys, toys maybe Arielle thought Liana didn't deserve, or maybe a toy Arielle herself wanted.

So going back to the discussion of legitimate vs. illegitimate jealousy, you would have to say Arielle's jealousy was legitimate. She thought the two people who loved her the most, who belonged to her, had turned their love to someone else. Her very own parents wanted another child. You can understand how she felt. Usually second (or third or fourth) children will not feel this extreme jealousy because they were never their parents' sole focus.

So how do we resolve this? When does a legitimate jealousy evolve into selfishness and quarreling? When is it time to "flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace? And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead he must be kind to everyone...not resentful." (II Timothy 2:23-24) We spend the rest of our lives assuring our children we love them equally but maybe because of personality or life experiences, some kids never lose jealous feelings. They need to. It will affect their future relationships with others.

We have the 4-H Fashion Revue coming up in a couple of weeks. For the first time, Liana, as well as Arielle, will model and be judged on an outfit they sewed. Ribbons are awarded and winners go on to compete in the regional show. They are not competing against each other, as they are in different age groups. But still, I anticipate hurt feelings.

I asked Arielle, "How will you feel if Liana wins and you don't?" She said, "I won't care. I won two years in a row."

I asked Liana, "How will you feel if Arielle wins and you don't?" She said, "I won't care. I just had fun making my outfit."

Life will be easier if no one wins. But if one of them does, will the other be mature enough, and does she love the other enough, to offer sincere congratulations to her sister? We'll see.

What were your experiences growing up with siblings? How do you handle sibling rivalry with your kids?

The power of words

To be honest, I didn't like the dare when we were supposed to make a list of our husband's negative traits. I think when you put thoughts into words, it gives them power. I even told this to my table group at church. They said, don't worry, you tear it up the next day. Even so, I didn't like this. It caused me to focus on the negative. And the negative was something that can't be changed anyway, so what was the point?

Scripture is clear about thoughts turning to words turning to actions. "Take every thought captive..." because that's where trouble starts. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." Next, you act on your words. Now think about that sequence in a positive light--you dwell on your husband's good qualities, you tell him how you feel, how proud you are of him, how glad you are that he is the man he is. You praise him for the good things he does. Then you naturally will want to do nice things for him to show your appreciation. This can only make your marriage better.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Philippians 4:8.

Dare 8

Dare 8: Love is not jealous. Jealousy is one of the strongest drives known to man. There are actually two forms: a legitimate jealousy based upon love, and an illegitimate jealousy based upon envy. Legitimate jealousy sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his or her heart away and replaces you with someone else.

Illegitimate jealousy is in opposition to love--it is rooted in selfishness. This is to be jealous of someone, to be moved with envy. It is sparked when someone else upstages you and gets something you want. This can be very painful, depending upon how selfish you are. Instead of congratulating them, you fume in anger. If you're not careful, jealousy slithers like a viper into your heart and strikes your motivations and relationships. It can poison you from living the life of love God intended.

When you get married, you were given the role of becoming your spouse's biggest cheerleader. But if selfishness rules, any good thing happening to only one of you can be a catalyst for envy rather than congratulations.

It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealousy that springs up in your heart. It's time to let your husband's successes draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love.

The Dare: Determine to become your husband's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your husband and focus on his achievements, take your list of negative attributes and tear it in tiny pieces. Then share with your husband how glad you are about a success he recently enjoyed.

For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice...What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. James 3:16, 4:1,2.

America's tower of Babel

“Having absorbed the world’s values, Christianity in our society is now dying. Subtly but surely worldliness and self-indulgence are eating away the heart of the church. The gospel we proclaim is so convoluted that it offers believing in Christ as nothing more than a means to contentment and prosperity. The offense of the cross has been systematically removed so that the message might be made more acceptable to unbelievers. The church somehow got the idea it could declare peace with the enemies of God.”- John MacArthur

I found this picture and quote on our pastor's blog. The message on Sunday was from Genesis 11, not a favorite passage for most people. "Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves..." Gen. 11:4. He summed up what the tower meant--human pride, over-reaching, and self-deification.

We should never make a truce with the enemies of God: worldliness, self-indulgence, love of possessions and money, and a quest for a life of ease and comfort. Jesus said, "What good will it be for a man if he gains the whole world, yet forfeits his soul?" Matthew 16:26.